I Should Be Folding Laundry

In over my head (and a contest!)

For the first time in what feels like forever, I am in over my head.  And it's not a negative thing, I have some very exciting things going on in my life right now and between that and blogging and cleaning my house and working and you know, mothering, I have darn right run out of time.

So, it's time for me to take a teeny-tiny blogging break - just a little one, see how I'm holding up my fingers?  It's small, right? 

I'll be back tomorrow, maybe Friday.  But I will back, you can count on that.  If you have e-mailed me, please forgive me, I will be checking and responding to your e-mails during this blog break o' mine.

In the meantime, I do have a post up here, feel free to read, but only if you have cereal stuck to your kitchen floor, dust on your end tables and crumbs in your carpet, it's important for you to relate, you know.

Look!  A contest!
I need you to tell me who you think is going to win American Idol.  Anyone who guesses correctly will be entered to win a free blog makeover.  If you just redid your blog, never fear, you will get six months to claim your prize.  Remember, you must guess who will win the entire thing.  You can guess until next Monday, May 12th, the comments will be turned off at 10:00 p.m. CST.  The winner will be drawn after the finale on May 21st.  If you do not have a blog, I will send you a $10 gift card to McDonald's or you can give the free makeover to your fave blogger.

oh and if you don't watch Idol, maybe you should start? or go here and take a wild guess on who is going to win.  (but don't guess Jason Castro - because he's gotsta go. oh and don't guess Syesha or David A, either.  I'm just sayin', dawg.)

oh and don't listen to me because I am always wrong.  I thought Guliani had the presidency in the bag, man.  (I didn't really, geeze - I told you not to believe anything I am saying.)

oh and leave your guess on this post and THIS POST ONLY. 

oh and make sure your e-mail is valid, ai'ght?

oh, if you vote for David.  Please tell me which David.

oh and ....oh, I guess that's it.

Leap of Faith

Last night, I took another step through this ever changing grief process by going to dinner with a small group of blogging friends.  To some, this may not seem like a big deal, to me, it was like stepping off of the edge of a building and hoping someone catches me.

And they did.

There was laughter and blog talk and effortless cheeseburgers.  Stephanie, a vegetarian ate a cheeseburger.  It was monumental.    There was ice cream.  And margaritas.  and a buffalo.  I met Arianne (A vegan, who ate half of a cheeseburger!) for the first time last night and I loved her.  And then Milk and Honey and Crooked Eyebrow, my true bloggy loves were there, too, to round out this group of women, real, amazing women.  I can assure you, when you read them, they ARE the real deal.

There were tears.  I cried.  I find myself not crying often these days, so when I do it's hard for me to deal with because I feel the pain that is so raw way deep down inside my soul.  The pain surfaced last night and I cried with these friends.  I cried and talked and explained and told stories about things that happened, events that took place that I do not talk about much anymore at all because finding the appropriate time to talk about our grief is hard these days.  But I did last night and it felt really good.

And they cried, too.  Which meant so much to me because it painted a portrait of how much my boys and my blog means to people.  And although I do not want you to cry for me, when you do, it tugs at my heart and makes me feel loved.

And not so alone.

Thank you, girls. For the laughter AND the tears.

(Beth, Crooked Eyebrow, Arianne, Steph and Sarah)

Good Things

It's Saturday morning, the sun is shining brightly, my house is clean, I have plans with friends tonight for burgers and drinks.  Which means when I get home from dinner with friends and drinks, my house will be messy.  Which means I should have lots of drinks.

Which is just fine.  I can do that.

I want to point you in a few different directions, a little break from the questions for now.

First of all, last night, Crooked Eyebrow came over to MY house and we talked.  And talked.  And talked.  Her husband was working late in the big city.  My husband was drinking late in the big city.  Is was the perfect opportunity for a teeny tiny blogger meet-up.  Except it didn't feel like a blogger meet-up anymore.  It now feels like my friend coming over.  And I like that.  Ariel and Racecar like it, too.  We had a tornado warning five minutes after CE arrived and we went to the basement and my kids hung on her like me on ice cream.  It was cute.  (I have pictures but I am waaaayyy too lazy to download pictures right now.  It's only 9:30 in the AM, give a girl a break, man.) 

My point of this story is to go over to her blog.  It's newly designed, it's polished and pretty and I like it a lot because I DESIGNED IT. Me.  I manipulated CODES.  I don't know how to work codes, but I learned and it was AAAAWWWEEEESSSOOOMMMEEE.  I can't wait to do it again.  Hopefully the next one won't take me 62 hours like CE's did.  It's a great distraction for me and I love it.  Go there and tell her how much you love it, I could use all of the ego stroking I can get. 

Secondly, if you haven't been to Pinks & Blues, just go.  I LOVE that site.  It's one of my favorites filled with tons of information for EVERYONE.   Sharon, Audrey and Jane, the proud owners, are pretty rockin' themselves, which explain how they can have such a rockin' website. 

Thirdly, if you are new to blogging, or if you are veteran to blogging, you must check out Blogging Basics 101.  This blog is put together by Melanie and it is FULL OF BLOGGING INFORMATION.  I consider it my blogging help desk, my Blogging for Dummies manual.  Melanie is even speaking at Blogher about this stuff, she's a wizard.  A WIZARD I TELL YOU.

That's all, just some items I thought you may enjoy and find useful.  You may now resume your Saturday. 

I hope you have an amazing day.  Hug your kids extra tight, okay?

(more answers to your questions later today....)

Ask *comments closed*

**I had to close comments, otherwise I'd be answering questions throughout the weekend, and I can't seem to think of anything that could be more boring for you.  So, I did it for you.  Because I love you.**

I'm looking for a little healthy distraction from my grief and you are just the people that can help me, I know this, because you have helped me before.

I have seen many bloggers do what I am about to ask you to do, I've always been intrigued by what the results would be if I were to do the same.  Today is the day that I do the same.

In the comments section, I need you to ask me a question.  It can be about anything and I'll answer it in a post.  You just have to ask.  It can be deep, trivial, colorful or boring.  It can be something you have always wanted to ask me but never had the guts to, or it can be something that you just thought of now, while reading these words.

So, ask away.  And tomorrow - I'll give you answers. 

After you ask me a question, head over to Megan's (one of my favorite bloggers) and tell her something about you.  It's a great day to share.

P.S.  I have a post over here.   But don't go there until you have asked me a question. Man, I can be bossy.

The Perfect Day

Sunday, April 27th, 2008 was The Perfect Day.

I woke up and checked our team fundraising site and we had hit our huge goal of $10,000.  Brian and I quickly got ready, we woke the kids, we ate breakfast in the car, we pulled into the March of Babies parking lot.  (by the way, today Team James & Jake is at $10,660 - you can still donate.  Something tells me we'll hit $11,000.)

The March of Dimes reserved a parking spot for us because we were the #1 Friends and Family team. 

As we drove through the lot, (because we missed our close parking space the first time around) I looked around and saw many faces that I love, getting out of their cars, getting ready for this day.  My heart started to melt seeing these people.

I met Stacie, a fellow blogger, Stacie who I had never met in person, Stacie who felt compelled to walk with us and raise money for this cause.  I am in awe of Stacie.

Before I knew it, our entire team was there, with our shirts on.  These shirts that I love so much I can hardly take it.  Every time I saw a shirt, which was often with almost thirty walkers, my heart skipped a beat.  Thank you, Amy - my neighbor, my friend, for getting these shirts donated to us.  I think you are awesome.

The director of the event approached me and told me that Team James & Jake would be leading the walk.  Pride & disbelief is what felt. 

Before the walk, at nine in the morning, inside the concrete building there was a joyous celebration taking place.  Hundreds of people celebrating love, life, family and babies.  Music, food and clowns added to the exciting atmosphere.

The six mile walk was ready to begin, Team James & Jake and all of the other walkers gathered outdoors to begin the long journey ahead, once again, Team James & Jake was announced with our amazing fundraising accomplishment over the loud speaker.  Loud cheers came from the crowd, in my head and in my heart I could not fathom that people were cheering after hearing the names of our twin sons.  I could not fathom that WE, my family, my friends were at this event because of James and Jake.  I felt a strange mixture of elation and sadness.

We started off the walk - Team James and Jake in our shirts - we started walking and a wave of emotion swept over me, sadness really, the gravity of it all dipping deep into my soul.  But soon, as has been the case in the past nine weeks, my family and my friends were there to put a band-aid over the hurt.

As I promised, in the silent moments of this six mile walk, I thought about James, Jake, Lydia, Jonathon, Grace and Allison Jane.  I thought about all of the amazing Mommies who have e-mailed me privately telling me about their personal losses.  I thought about all of you - I walked for you, too.

After an hour and forty-five minutes of walking, we were done.  I was so hungry and my foot hurt, but I swear to you, I would have walked for twenty more miles if that's what we set out to do.  As much as I wish I could take James and Jake and hold them and squeeze them and kiss their beautiful lips or smell their sweet baby breath, or comfort them or fold their laundry, I can't and never will in this lifetime, but for my beautiful sons, who have taught me so much in just nine agonizing weeks, I would walk forever for them.  And I will walk for them again.

Yesterday I experienced a day that honored my boys, a day with family, a day with friends, a day with hugs, a day that held moments of multiple friends whispering I love you in my ear, a day filled with pride, a day filled with a reflection, a day where I know there were hundreds of people remembering James & Jake.  It was the perfect day.

It is now that the emotion overcomes me, the tears fall quickly from my eyes, the day after the walk when I think about ALL OF THE LOVE that has filled our lives since that tragic day on February 26th, 2008 - the donations, the flowers, the cards, the dinners, the McDonald's gift cards, the e-mails, the comments, the prayers, the thoughts - I know we are loved and I thank you for it.  We feel your love.  I thank James and Jake for giving us the gift of love, life and insight.

The tears may be flowing, but so is the love.  The pain hurts so bad, but the love feels so good.

Pictures. (more pictures on my flickr page and on Crooked Eyebrow's flickr page.)

Starting the walk.  (photo by Crooked Eyebrow)

Left to right - my sister Sarah, me, my mom, my niece's boyfriend, my niece, Amber, my sister, Amy. (photo by CE)

 

A Daisy

We have a Winter Storm Warning that begins overnight (on March 21!) and ends Saturday morning, we should expect eight inches of snow.

I do hate snow, but I know it won't last very long since our temperatures have been above freezing.  And, I feel optimistic because my friend Christy sent me these wonderful daisies mixed with gerbera daisies, which are my favorite.  They are by my bed and they remind me of spring and they remind me of good friends and all of the wonderful flowers, gifts and cards people have sent these past few weeks that make us feel remembered and loved. 

It comforts me knowing that snow will not last long, but friendships will.

Thank you, Christy.

 

 

Meet Lynette

Isn't she beautiful?  Not just because of her glowing skin, amazing facial features and rock hard abs, but do you see that sponge?  It's mine.  And that shower?  Is mine, too.

My dear, sweet, amazing friend is cleaning my house right now. 

While I sit and tell you about it. "While I sit." which seems so wrong, but I promise I'm attempting to pay her back with wine and chocolate and maybe some smooches, if she'll allow it.

But until then, I'll sit.
while she cleans.  (happily, I might add, which is so strange to me)
and while Ken lounges in the tub.

And yes, he is wearing a skirt.