I Should Be Folding Laundry

The Greatest Ice Cream that Ever Lived

This explains two things:

First - why I have stopped losing weight.  (well, that's because of the ice cream AND the thyroid, Thanks, Thyroid.)

Second - why I have gone broke.  Two half gallons comes to a whopping $17.98.

BUT IT'S THE BEST ICE CREAM EVER AND I CAN'T STOP EATING IT.  Please do me a favor and go to Coldstone Creamery and get the sweet cream ice cream with oreos and caramel.  I promise...you will love it.  And I promise, you will become addicted. 

Will you try it?

Do you promise?

But when you gain weight and go broke, don't blame me, m'kay? 

We'll just have an amazing bond that will last forever and forever. 

Ice cream BFF's.

What blog?

It appears as though I have forgotten about this little ol' blog, I bet that's what you are thinking, right?  But truthfully, I'm just sparing you because I have nothing to write about.  I supposed I could write about the chocolate chip cookies that turned out a little too hard and crispy on Thursday, that I still can't manage to stop eating.  Or I could mention that I took the kids' Christmas pictures that other and I did not enjoy myself. 

Neither did they.

But I did sweat a lot and make a lot of threats.  It was obviously I very joyful experience.

I kinda want to mention that the kids went to Grandma's yesterday from eleven in the morning until eight in the evening while I went to work and then I had dinner with my parents and I felt lonely all day long being without those crazy kids.

Or maybe you want to know that I went to the bank yesterday and pulled away because the line was too long.  Or that I haven't enjoyed a peppermint mocha since the day after Thanksgiving. 

or do you want to hear about the woman who was coming towards me on the street and then she turned in front of me without looking to see if  there were cars coming.  Before she turned.  She didn't look.  turning.  And the only reason why I didn't slam into her is because I slammed on my brakes and then my purse fell down and spilled.  And also I had never tried so hard to not let VERY LOUD expletives leave my mouth because the children were witnessing my uh...grace.  I think I may have spit while shaking my fist wildly.  That's what I call graceful.

Or would you like to know that on this freezing cold morning, I went to take a shower and found out the hard way that we did not have hot water. 

That's all I have to say about that.

 

But that would all make for such a boring post, don't you think?

I do have a question, for you bakers, that is starting to make me twitch not knowing the answer.  Please let your expertise shine in the comment section:  When baking, if the recipe does not specify whether or not to use salted or unsalted butter...does it matter?

Also, how do you ensure that you have the perfect chocolate chip cookie coming out of the oven?

Thanks, everyone.

Love is...

I love this picture.  Not only because it's cheesecake and it melts in my mouth and swims in my belly with delight. 
But also because it says to me "no washing dishes for you."

It was the perfect dessert.

Game Show

My friend, Amy, turned me onto this, it's HILARIOUS!  Why can't we have game shows like this?  I wonder if they had headaches after filming this show?

Friday Love Letters

Well, ladies & gents, here's another edition of Friday Love Letters.

Dear Grey's Anatomy, 

I have only watched the first two episodes of this season.  The last thing I saw was George saying he loved Izzy...it irritated me.  Is this a sign the show is over for me?  I don't know.  Maybe I was turned off when Izzy revived a deer on the season premiere.

Signed,
Missing Preston, a little bit
______________________________
Dear Tivo in my Bedroom,

Once again, you are included in my love letters.  I know that I excessively record the following shows: What Not To Wear, Will & Grace and Sex and the City.  What is it about those shows that makes you suggest  Hip Hop Harry, The Knife Show and Vacation Home Search in the Tivo Suggestions?  Can you work a little harder to pick a suggestion I may actually watch?

Please?

Love,
Tivo Lover (if I have hurt your feelings, please disregard this note, I love you.)

______________________________
Dear Woman at Ariel's School,

My name is Beth.  Not Dana.

Regards,
Beth

______________________________
Dear McDonald's,

Whose idea was it to put crack in your coffee?

Whoever it was, deserves a raise.

Best,
Caffeinated and Happy

______________________________
Dear Nose,

Please stop sneezing just after I apply mascara.  Two days in a row is a bit much.

Fondly,
Messy Eyes

______________________________
Dear TLC,

Would you please start airing all new episodes of Little People, Big World and Jon and Kate plus 8 every single day forever and ever and ever?

Yours Truly,
A Little People Lover

P.S.  Feel free to remove LA Ink, it's just not working for me.

______________________________
Dear Everyone Who Watches Dancing With The Stars,

What is so great about this show?  Is it too late to start watching it this season?  What's so great about watching people dance?

Jealously Yours,
Wanting to Fit In

______________________________
Dear Laundry,

Please stop multiplying.  I know people say laundry won't fold itself, but I'm pretty sure you could because you are special, way specialer than most laundry.  So, please, I BEG you, please fold yourself.  And then put yourself away.

Hoping and praying,
Lazybones

______________________________

Dear Husband,

When I asked you last night to please move the case of beer from the living room, did you think I said "please do not ever move the case of beer from the living room?"

Cause it's still there.

In the living room.

A case of beer.

Smooches,
Curious & Confused

Greetings

Well, hello there.  I just thought I would check in from our little vacation.  So far, things have gone real well, especially considering I slept with a garbage can last night and not because I was drunk.  Maybe it was because of this, who knows?

Either way, I appear to feel better today, which is great because we have 10 hours of shopping planned for today.   It's a good thing we purchased these.  Neither one of us own a pair, just my kids, so it was time and well....why did I wait so long?  Oh yeah, I was waiting for jeans season, much cuter with jeans.

Live from my Closet

I have hit a new low, I am about to show you a picture of the inside of my closet.  For one reason and one reason only...because my realtor is going to see it this way, so why shouldn't all ten of you?

I also have to pick Racecar up in EIGHT minutes and I am blogging which is crazy since I should be doing something more productive like cleaning the toilets or WORKING or putting urine, Windex or toothpaste on my pimples, apparently. (URINE?!)

But instead, I'll take a few moments to embarrass myself by showing you the contents of my closet.  I'm hoping my realtor won't care and just move on, but she'll probably judge me.  She will, won't she?  She'sll knock $25,000 off of the asking price, won't she?  I should clean it, but I can't, I'm babysitting my friend,  Lynette's kids for a little while after picking Racecar up, but maybe, MAYBE they could help me!  Yes, we could all clean the closet together!

Between me,  2 four years, a 3 and a 2 year old, we could accomplish almost anything. 

or not.

So, here you go.

Maybe someday I'll tackle this project and you'll see a new image of a much cleaner, more organized closet.

or not.

Did I really just show this to you?  Am I having a bad dream?  Do you see that wire hanger?  I don't use it, that's why it's on the floor.  I mean, have you seen Mommy Dearest?  I may be crazy, but I ain't stupid.

I'm so lucky

I have this friend, he just showed up, completely unannounced, I have no idea when he's going to leave, he causes me pain.  I use the term "friend" simply because he is so close to me.  And this time around, he brought another friend.  His friend his smaller and gentler, but he still hurts me, nonetheless.

I have two pimples.

Not one.

Two.

One is the size of a pea sitting on my face, the other the size of half of a pea (sorry, couldn't think of anything the size of half of a pea that is relate-able - can you?).    I don't know where they came from, but I want them leave.  To make matters worse, one is on one side of my face, the other is on the other side of my face, so there is no hiding.

As if PMS isn't bad enough and no, I am not PMS'ing, I mean, how can I be 25...ahem...and still be getting pimples.

Maybe it's because I'm having a hard time balancing working at home and staying at home with the kids and I'm stressing a little.

Maybe it's because I failed to wash my face one night over the weekend.

Maybe it's because we never took the kids to the zoo this summer and now summer is over and we are just a couple of jerks.

Maybe it's because my blood pressure has been high, while on blood pressure meds, and I have to worry about getting that checked out by more than one doctor.

Maybe it's because Brian and I are going out of town this weekend, for three nights, without children and I'm feeling stressed about that.

(don't be jealous about our weekend away. which will be filled with shopping, eating, drinking and no children.)

Maybe it's because our realtor is coming over tomorrow to begin the process of selling our house.

Maybe it's because I ate three (okay, four, OKAY, FIVE.) Hershey kisses on Saturday. (one of them was slightly covered in peanut butter)

(don't be jealous of my hershey kiss slightly covered in peanut butter)

Whatever it is...it is pissing me off.  I felt like an idiot talking to my children's teachers today with two enormous zits on my face.  And I'm a non-popping pimple person, even when they're huge and red with puss oozing out. 

Perhaps if I used a band-aid to cover them up, nobody would notice.

Do you still get pimples?  How do you get rid of them?  HELP!

Signed,
Pimply in Pennsylvania

Security

Our garage sale began today and things went pretty well.  Unfortunately, my cold has turned into the "cold that will never end" which just adds to the excitement of a garage sale.  Nothing says "thanks for your purchase" like a nice sneeze during the exchange of money.  I feel like absolute crap and I am so very tired.  We started bringing the goods back into our garage after it was over at 2:01 and by 2:12 I was nuzzled in my bed, fast asleep.

I remained that way for two hours.   The only thing that would have made that nap better is if I were sleeping in caramel.

The sale started out with someone stealing a pair of shoes off of my shoe table.  No really!  A thief!  At my garage sale!  It was very obvious as my shoe table was full, after they left a spot was empty and I hadn't sold a pair.   I was pretty irritated, the ONLY thing that makes me feel better about the thief is that the thief spent ten smackers at my garage sale.  If they had asked I probably would have thrown in a free pair.  Too bad they are going to hell now.

jerks.

Unfortunately, it's not the first time someone has stolen something out of my garage.  Keep in mind, I don't live in a bad area.  It's very quiet and clean and lovely, it's the visitors that sometimes suck.  About two summers ago I was across the street talking to my neighbor, we were very patiently waiting for our Schwan's girl to arrive because if we missed our bi-weekly delivery of chicken fries then our children would die of starvation.

While talking, I noticed a pick-up truck sitting close to the front of my house.  I then saw a man walk right into my garage and grab my weed eater.  My Brand New Weed Eater.  Being the smart girl that I am, I had just assumed Brian had agreed to lend it to a neighbor or something.  I mean, Brian was home, inside the house and that is something he would do.

But my gut told me no.  I ran towards my house and was about five feet from him when he jumped into his truck and drove off. 

With my Brand New Weed Eater.

But I got his license plate number and they caught the dirty rotten scoundrel.  This guy had been stealing from people's garages all over the county for months and they could never find him.

They found him, they caught him, and arrested him.

And then they let him go.

Our garage door remains securely shut now at all times. 

Unless we are having a garage sale, when people can just steal shoes right in front of me.

I think I need to polish up on my loss prevention skills.

Some Pig

We are all still feeling pretty crappy, so crappy that Brian is staying home from work tomorrow, so crappy that I think I will be taking Ariel to see the doctor, so crappy that tonight I cleaned the CRAP out of my garage.  not literally crap, I just mean I cleaned it really well.

Isn't that what you do when you're sick?

We are having a garage sale on Friday and Saturday and we are donating 50% of the proceeds to my Light The Night fundraising, so the garage really needed to be cleaned.  While cleaning it I couldn't help but notice that everything I was going to move had a freakin' spider on it and y'all, I hate spiders and it runs in the family.

A few weeks ago Ariel and Racecar were sitting at the table having lunch, between bites they were talking about spiders (GROSS!) and laughing at the spider running on the floor (GAG ME!).  I nonchalantly walked over to the kitchen area and peered down at the ground and said "I don't see a spider." and they said "look, behind you!" at which point I crapped my pants and turned around, looked down and did not see a dog gone thing.  Thank. The. Lord. 

A few minutes later I was giving them a bowl of fruit and walked into my living room, I instinctively lengthened my stride to walk over something that was lying on the floor.

I froze and turned around and saw a massive ugly brown spider.  My older sister coined the phrase "big brown" when referring to ginormous ugly leggy thick spiders.  We used the term so much that it turned into an actual breed of a spider.  We would be like "oh crap, there's a spider in the corner of the room." 

"What kind of Spider?"

"A big Brown."

The dreaded big brown.

And the spider on the floor right at the entrance of MY living room, was the MOTHER of ALL BIG BROWNS.  The Pimp.  The Queen.  The Boss.

Both kids were staring at me, waiting for my for reaction.  I coolly said "OH MY GOD."  Ariel said "step on it."

I said "I can't."  I was secretly afraid it would grab my shoe and throw it across the room and be like "whatch you got now, beotch?"  And then I would pass out and die.

Then Ariel said "maybe you should shoot it."

A grand idea, except I have no firearms in my house. 

And the light bulb went off.  BLEACH.  I could douse it with bleach.  I could kill it with harsh chemicals and grab the huge remains with a wad of paper towels.  Brilliance, no doubt.  I ran to the other side of my living room and entered my kitchen and grabbed the bottle of spray bleach and I ran towards the spider screaming with my arms flailing and I started spraying the Big Brown like a crazed militant. 

And it look at me like "what the hell?" and bolted into the other direction.  Unscathed.  All in one piece.

At which point I stomped on top of the thing, banshee style, for a good 30 seconds.  I could not find the remains, so I vacuumed the area.  For a very long time.

All this while my kids watched.  To think my original goal was to teach them that Big Browns are not scary, they're lovely.

But they're not.  They're assholes.

Later that day I came across another spider, probably the last spider's cousin and he was mad.  I could tell.  I was sitting on the toilet and he was in the corner near the tub flipping me off.  Eight times.  I couldn't think straight, I knew he was mad because I killed his cousin so I ran and you guessed it.  I grabbed the bleach.  I doused this bad boy, and all that I saw was a pure white spider runner wildly towards the door.  Again, I stepped on it.  At the end of the day I had some very clean spots on my floors.

So, tonight, I was cleaning the garage with our massive shop vac and I had to have vacuumed up about 3,213 stupid spiders, big ones, little ones and you guessed it, Big Browns.  Some tried to run and some politely surrendered, but one will stick in my mind.  He was the Lt. Dan's of the Spider People.  He held on to the garage door and did not budge, like Lt. Dan raising his fists at the hurricane while standing on top of the shrimpin' boat, cursing the Gods.  This spider was raising his fists, cursing the Shop Vac Gods, and well, the Big Brown won, I could not get him.

I hope he has mercy on me and doesn't crawl on my face in the middle of the night.

That would totally suck.

I'll keep bleach by my bedside.  Just in case.