I Should Be Folding Laundry

Unprepared

I'm hesitant to write here tonight.  But writing is so important to me and really does feel like therapy.  I'm hesitant to hit publish, but I know you care.  I know someone will be able to relate to me, someone will benefit from reading my words, and I think that is beautiful.  Honestly, I need you tonight.

I desperately needed all of the encouragement, love and prayers everyone has sent to me on this day.  Whether it was by leaving a comment, sending me an e-mail or just thinking about my family and my precious sons.   I was not prepared for the amount of grief and just pure sadness I have felt today, it's been overwhelming, I am ready to go to bed and start out fresh in the morning.  I am exhausted.  It is my hope that tomorrow, the heavy weight in my heart will be lifted, somehow, someway.

I had this realization today, that my sons are dead.  Those words, those four words were words I never really allowed myself to say or even think. My sons are dead.

oh my god.

It's more than my heart can bear.  It's bigger than pain.  It's larger than sadness.  It's heart break.  It's my world torn apart.  I don't know how I got through today.  It was not because of strength.  Today I had none.  While crying in the shower, or while trying to put my make-up on, riding in the car or sitting in the bathroom stall in a restaurant, I pleaded.  I NEED STRENGTH.  PLEASE GRANT ME STRENGTH.

And there was none to be had.

This pain is bigger than me.  Today the pain, the evil beast, picked me up in it's palm and threw me against the floor.

I was unprepared. 

I was reminded over and over again that I was NOT THIRTY WEEKS PREGNANT.  That my boys were mere ashes in my bedroom.  just sitting.  not growing.  not thriving.  not loving.

They're not here.

And it's more than I can bear.

I can't help but scream and cry inside.  GOD NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO.  Please, no.

Please.

My son just came up to me and said "mama, are there babies in your belly?"  I replied, trying to sound brave, "no honey, I do not have babies in my belly."  He turned and said slowly, "okay.  I'll go brush my teeth then."  I wish I could just say "okay, then.  I surrender." But I can't.

Tonight, today.  I have no silver linings.

Just tears. so many tears.  and heart break.  Today I can't pretend.  This Mother's Day, this typically beautiful day for me, was dark and horrifying.

If you have prayers or positive thoughts to spare.  I need them more than I care to admit.

I just need them.

Mothers

I approach this Mother's Day in a way that I never knew possible.  I think back to last year when my biggest concern was if Brian was going to offer to take us out to breakfast or would I have to suggest it?

I didn't know how unimportant that really was.

My foundation, my beliefs, my soul have been rocked.  My life flipped upside down and shaken - it's contents flying about.  As a person, a woman, a mother, I'm no longer certain.  I ache.  I realize I am not in control

When I think of James and Jake, I feel their love immensely.  I sense their guidance, although they were with us for such a short time, I would rather have known them a little, than not known them at all.  How does that saying go?  It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

It is so painfully true.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and the day I would have turned thirty weeks pregnant.  It's almost too much for me to be able to handle, I am feeling so much emotion right now.  My sister and I just went to Kohl's and the sight of infant boys summer clothes hanging on a rack with clearance tags nearly brought me to my knees.  I swim in sadness, but somehow, my love for my family and those tiny boys is bigger than anything I could ever imagined.  Somehow, someway, my heart and my life are full, although empty.

Back on February 26, 2008, if I had even imagined what my Mother's Day would have been like, I would have seen myself in the fetal position, crying out, clutching my heart.  I would have wanted to skip over this celebration of Mothers and landed on the day after.

But I can't.   I am here.  Ariel and Racecar are here.  James and Jake are in my heart - where they belong, for the rest of my life.  Although it's not how I want to mother them, just in my heart, it's all I have and I will take all I can get.

It is my hope for you, whether you are expecting your first or your fifth child, whether you are trying to conceive or are adopting, whether your children or your child are in heaven or here on earth, it is my wish that you feel the love that surrounds you on this day.  That you see how special you are.  It is my hope that you comprehend the enormity of being a Mom.  and the miracle growing inside of you, if you are pregnant.  The importance of your role is not only significant in your children's lives and your husband's life, but yours and other mothers. Realize the good.  Accept the difficult.  Embrace the noise, the mess, the tantrums, the diapers, the late nights. 

They will not last forever - now is your time.  Hold it tight, it is so very precious.

Happy Mother's Day.

Lemonade

Today started out like any other day, I woke up a little too late, the kids and I ran around getting ready for school, as is our routine and we had ten minutes to spare.  Just like everyday.  I had a full list of to-dos today, which included my job, a huge side project that isn't a side project at all, a showing at our house and being a Mom and a Wife.

We dropped Racecar off at school, picked up a cup of coffee from McDonald's and headed home.  I was busily preparing my massive to-do list in my head, knowing that I'd forget something if I didn't write it down.

We pulled into the driveway, I couldn't spare a second, I had so much to do.  Deadlines!  House to clean!  Blog! I opened the garage door with the opener, we jumped out of the car, approached the door.  And it was locked.  but that's okay!  I have a house key!  I retrieved my keys from my messy purse, "I don't have time for this!" I say to myself.  I slid the key into the lock.   No good, still locked.  I slid a different into the lock; still locked.

We were locked out of the house.

All I could think about was my laptop sitting on the table and I was unable to access it.  Sure, I had access to my blackberry, but there wasn't much I could do with that.  So, I called my realtor, I knew she would be able to open our lock box and get us in.  I called.  No answer.  I left a voicemail.  I e-mailed her.  In the meantime, poor Ariel was starving as she hadn't had breakfast, yet.  We drove through the McDonald's drive-thru, we parked and ate and waited for a return phone call.

"Could this day get any worse?" I thought to myself.

We drove back home, parked in the garage, I sent a few e-mails, cleaned out the car, while Ariel rode her bike and drew on the driveway with sidewalk chalk.  Suddenly, she comes running towards me with her hand behind her back, she screamed at me concerned "I HAVE TO POOP!  I HAVE TO POOP!  I HAVE TO POOP!  IT'S COMING OUT!"

oh dear.

"Ariel, you are going to have to hold it."

She shot me a look like "honey, they're ain't no holdin' this shit in."

I read her look, got the message, and told her to get into her car seat, "sitting down will help you" and "I'll drive us to the gas station." "Okay, Mama," she replied.  I rush her, "hurry, honey! HURRY!"

We went into reverse.

And I ran over her bike.

Are you freaking kidding me?   The only thing worse than running over your child's bike, is if they are with you when you run over their bike.  She watched heard ME massacre HER bike?  Suddenly she wasn't worried about poop any longer.

And I started looking for hidden cameras and Ashton Kutcher hiding behind the bushes.

No camera.  No Ashton.

We drove to the gas station, did our business and started heading home to, I don't know, sit in the driveway and stare at the broken bike.  But instead, I turned in the other direction.  My mood suddenly shifted.

I surrendered.  I quickly realized that sitting in my garage isn't going to make my realtor call back any sooner.  Instead, I embraced the bad moments of the morning and set out to make our morning better.  We drove to the Dunes and went for a long walk, or adventure as we like to call it.  We sat at every bench on the trail, but only for a moment on each as we had lots to see.  We talked.  I smelled spring.  I listened to those birds singing their amazing songs.  I felt the softness of my daughter's hand inside of mine.  No computers.  No cell phones.  No blackberries.  Just she and I, and James and Jake. 

I felt them.  I was filled with emotion, sadness and love mixed with anger and delight, but I felt the peace of my life during those moments.  Walking hand in hand with my daughter, I missed my sons so much.  Her touch providing the strength I needed. 

During those moments, while surrounded by trees and birds and flowers and sun and love, so much love, I felt like James and Jake had wrapped a gift up for me, wrapped in a bad morning, but inside that bad morning was glory and goodness.  We have decided, Ariel and I, that on Mother's Day we will walk through the Dunes with Brian and Racecar by our sides.  And I know, I just know James and Jake will be above us, smiling.

I can't wait to do it every single year.   I am so glad we were locked out today, it is one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me.

Leap of Faith

Last night, I took another step through this ever changing grief process by going to dinner with a small group of blogging friends.  To some, this may not seem like a big deal, to me, it was like stepping off of the edge of a building and hoping someone catches me.

And they did.

There was laughter and blog talk and effortless cheeseburgers.  Stephanie, a vegetarian ate a cheeseburger.  It was monumental.    There was ice cream.  And margaritas.  and a buffalo.  I met Arianne (A vegan, who ate half of a cheeseburger!) for the first time last night and I loved her.  And then Milk and Honey and Crooked Eyebrow, my true bloggy loves were there, too, to round out this group of women, real, amazing women.  I can assure you, when you read them, they ARE the real deal.

There were tears.  I cried.  I find myself not crying often these days, so when I do it's hard for me to deal with because I feel the pain that is so raw way deep down inside my soul.  The pain surfaced last night and I cried with these friends.  I cried and talked and explained and told stories about things that happened, events that took place that I do not talk about much anymore at all because finding the appropriate time to talk about our grief is hard these days.  But I did last night and it felt really good.

And they cried, too.  Which meant so much to me because it painted a portrait of how much my boys and my blog means to people.  And although I do not want you to cry for me, when you do, it tugs at my heart and makes me feel loved.

And not so alone.

Thank you, girls. For the laughter AND the tears.

(Beth, Crooked Eyebrow, Arianne, Steph and Sarah)

Ask *comments closed*

**I had to close comments, otherwise I'd be answering questions throughout the weekend, and I can't seem to think of anything that could be more boring for you.  So, I did it for you.  Because I love you.**

I'm looking for a little healthy distraction from my grief and you are just the people that can help me, I know this, because you have helped me before.

I have seen many bloggers do what I am about to ask you to do, I've always been intrigued by what the results would be if I were to do the same.  Today is the day that I do the same.

In the comments section, I need you to ask me a question.  It can be about anything and I'll answer it in a post.  You just have to ask.  It can be deep, trivial, colorful or boring.  It can be something you have always wanted to ask me but never had the guts to, or it can be something that you just thought of now, while reading these words.

So, ask away.  And tomorrow - I'll give you answers. 

After you ask me a question, head over to Megan's (one of my favorite bloggers) and tell her something about you.  It's a great day to share.

P.S.  I have a post over here.   But don't go there until you have asked me a question. Man, I can be bossy.

Trying to remain calm *updated*

Tonight I am doing something that I am not sure I am ready for.

I am going to Mommy's Group.  You know, the group of amazing girls that would do anything to make me feel better?  The ones who supplied delicious dinners to my family for weeks after losing James & Jake.  The ones who sent flowers?  The ones who send e-mails?  The ones who walk for Team James & Jake?

You know, those girls?

What is it about grief that makes social situations so difficult?  I had no idea.  I was clueless.  Totally clueless.

I am petrified.  I don't know why, I just am.  I have about thirty reasons why I THINK the reason is, but all I know is that I am anxious and petrified.

I made the dish I am bringing.
I have showered.
My Soul Sister is driving me there to ensure my comfortableness.  (OMG, is that really a word?)
Crooked Eyebrow gave me a pep talk.

and I'm not sure I can do it.

Please send positive thoughts in this direction.  I need them.  Desperately.

***I survived.  That's all I needed to know.***

 

The Perfect Day

Sunday, April 27th, 2008 was The Perfect Day.

I woke up and checked our team fundraising site and we had hit our huge goal of $10,000.  Brian and I quickly got ready, we woke the kids, we ate breakfast in the car, we pulled into the March of Babies parking lot.  (by the way, today Team James & Jake is at $10,660 - you can still donate.  Something tells me we'll hit $11,000.)

The March of Dimes reserved a parking spot for us because we were the #1 Friends and Family team. 

As we drove through the lot, (because we missed our close parking space the first time around) I looked around and saw many faces that I love, getting out of their cars, getting ready for this day.  My heart started to melt seeing these people.

I met Stacie, a fellow blogger, Stacie who I had never met in person, Stacie who felt compelled to walk with us and raise money for this cause.  I am in awe of Stacie.

Before I knew it, our entire team was there, with our shirts on.  These shirts that I love so much I can hardly take it.  Every time I saw a shirt, which was often with almost thirty walkers, my heart skipped a beat.  Thank you, Amy - my neighbor, my friend, for getting these shirts donated to us.  I think you are awesome.

The director of the event approached me and told me that Team James & Jake would be leading the walk.  Pride & disbelief is what felt. 

Before the walk, at nine in the morning, inside the concrete building there was a joyous celebration taking place.  Hundreds of people celebrating love, life, family and babies.  Music, food and clowns added to the exciting atmosphere.

The six mile walk was ready to begin, Team James & Jake and all of the other walkers gathered outdoors to begin the long journey ahead, once again, Team James & Jake was announced with our amazing fundraising accomplishment over the loud speaker.  Loud cheers came from the crowd, in my head and in my heart I could not fathom that people were cheering after hearing the names of our twin sons.  I could not fathom that WE, my family, my friends were at this event because of James and Jake.  I felt a strange mixture of elation and sadness.

We started off the walk - Team James and Jake in our shirts - we started walking and a wave of emotion swept over me, sadness really, the gravity of it all dipping deep into my soul.  But soon, as has been the case in the past nine weeks, my family and my friends were there to put a band-aid over the hurt.

As I promised, in the silent moments of this six mile walk, I thought about James, Jake, Lydia, Jonathon, Grace and Allison Jane.  I thought about all of the amazing Mommies who have e-mailed me privately telling me about their personal losses.  I thought about all of you - I walked for you, too.

After an hour and forty-five minutes of walking, we were done.  I was so hungry and my foot hurt, but I swear to you, I would have walked for twenty more miles if that's what we set out to do.  As much as I wish I could take James and Jake and hold them and squeeze them and kiss their beautiful lips or smell their sweet baby breath, or comfort them or fold their laundry, I can't and never will in this lifetime, but for my beautiful sons, who have taught me so much in just nine agonizing weeks, I would walk forever for them.  And I will walk for them again.

Yesterday I experienced a day that honored my boys, a day with family, a day with friends, a day with hugs, a day that held moments of multiple friends whispering I love you in my ear, a day filled with pride, a day filled with a reflection, a day where I know there were hundreds of people remembering James & Jake.  It was the perfect day.

It is now that the emotion overcomes me, the tears fall quickly from my eyes, the day after the walk when I think about ALL OF THE LOVE that has filled our lives since that tragic day on February 26th, 2008 - the donations, the flowers, the cards, the dinners, the McDonald's gift cards, the e-mails, the comments, the prayers, the thoughts - I know we are loved and I thank you for it.  We feel your love.  I thank James and Jake for giving us the gift of love, life and insight.

The tears may be flowing, but so is the love.  The pain hurts so bad, but the love feels so good.

Pictures. (more pictures on my flickr page and on Crooked Eyebrow's flickr page.)

Starting the walk.  (photo by Crooked Eyebrow)

Left to right - my sister Sarah, me, my mom, my niece's boyfriend, my niece, Amber, my sister, Amy. (photo by CE)

 

Love

$10,435

The love of family and friends.  The love of everyone who donated.  The love we feel from this blog.  The love from other bloggers - who are, thankfully, my friends.  It's overwhelming.  Thank you.

Feeling like a winner

The winner of the McDonald's gift card is Maria (yahoo address.)  Maria has been notified and the gift card will be sent out on Monday.  Congrats, Maria.

Interestingly enough, even though I haven't won a thing, I can't help but feel like the biggest winner of them all, thanks to your generosity.  Team James & Jake is rockin' and rollin'.  Thank you to all of you that have opened up your hearts (and wallets) and donated.  And thank you to those who will be donating.  Your compassion, your generosity, and your love completely blow me away.

seriously.

Inside my heart, I feel such sadness, but with each donation that comes in, it's like you are personally coming to my house and giving me a hug.

Thank you for honoring James & Jake and all babies with your donation.

Can Team James & Jake hit $9,000.00 before Sunday ?????  Check our progress here!!
We are almost there!

I'm in no mood

I could not think of a good title for this post.  My options were "Crap Crap Crap" or "Did you see Carly got voted off?" or "I'm in no mood."  I believe I chose the appropriate one.

This week is hard.  Harder.  Almost too difficult to face head on, fortunately, I have no choice. The difficulty has something to do with returning from our trip to California, I may have escaped from the madness of everything a little too well.  So, on our way back to LAX, my feelings, my thoughts, my mood turned dark.  And dark it has all remained.

Plus, the March of Dimes is this weekend.  You know, that amazing walk where my friends and family, and incredible, caring blog readers are rallying together to walk in honor of James and Jake?   That walk??  I can't wait, but OH MY GOD, I am so scared.  I'm so scared of the emotion.  The love.  The anxiety.  But mostly, the emotion.  Our team has raised almost $8,000 - I am so touched and amazed.  But there is so much pain and reality that comes along with this greatness.

I feel like all of my relationships are in critical condition.  They're in the ICU, I desperately want to fix them, but I'm no shape to be a doctor right now.  I'm not strong enough.  So, I hide or pretend nothing is wrong, when really, something big is very wrong. 

My pregnant friends are getting bigger, they're finding out the sexes of their babies, they're planning, they're so happy - and I am so happy for them, I am excited for them, I pray for them, for their health and their happiness, I love them all so much.  But I am not pregnant and I should be.  I haven't been for eight weeks and it kills me. 

KILLS ME.

I had another appointment with my OB yesterday, we talked candidly, she says I'm all set, she feels good about my meds, can't guarantee this won't happen again (DAMNIT) and she'll see me in September.  Even in September she won't make me wait in the waiting room.  She told me so.   I wonder what I'll be like in September, I hope I'm good.  I pray I'm good. 

The trip we took to L.A., the walk this weekend, my doctor's appointment, my social anxieties, my fears, my shattered dreams, are all happening because I lost James and Jake.  The reality is hitting me this week.  I hate reality.

I hate it all.  Except you.  I love you.  I love my family.  I love my life.  There is this portion of my life, an all consuming portion that sucks. 

I think it's going to suck for a long time and I just have to accept it.

Don't worry, I'll keep my head up.  And I'll try, I'll try so hard to stay focused on the positives, but sometimes, it doesn't make a difference - I'm still so sad.