I Should Be Folding Laundry

Spinning

There is so much going on in my life right now.

First, I blogged over here about Ariel and her important day today.

Second, my new laptop is arriving today, which is so very, very exciting, except I have to create new bookmarks and remember usernames and passwords and I have to switch to Vista  (the horror) but at least there will be constant power flowing into the new laptop, unlike this one sitting on my lap with the cord ghetto-rigged so it doesn't die in the middle of a post.  And did I mention my new laptop is red?

BUT, the BIG BIG BIG BIG BIG news is that we sold our house.  We did.  WE SOLD OUR HOUSE.  Which is so exciting, except we close on June 30th and well, we have no place to live so we have been spending every spare second looking at houses and the problem is that we LOVE two and we don't know what to do.  I would go into further detail, but I can't because it gives me a panic attack and I have to shower and get moving, it's an important day filled with a preschool graduation, a new computer, two jobs, buying a new house and well, a root canal.

I know how to squeeze every last second out of everyday, which is good, because I so desperately need the distraction and well, I have it.  TONS OF IT.

Did I mention we sold our house?  And we have no place to live after June 30th?

Just checking.  But we'll be fine, I know it, because my new laptop is red.

At least they're honest

Just now, before going back to his room for quiet time for me him, Racecar leans over me, while I'm sitting in my chair and says "Hey!  Your belly is getting bigger!"

Yes.  You heard that right, my son noticed my belly is getting better.

Trying not to be offended, I respond "you think so?"

"Yes!  Are the babies back in your belly?"  he asks.

"No they are not." I respond. 

"They are in heaven with God?"  he says.

"Yes."

"Why did God take them?"

"Because they died, honey."

"Why did they die?  Why did God want them?"

At this point in the conversation, I wonder how I am supposed to not say to him, "I have no freaking idea why GOD took my babies from me.  Maybe it's because I called that truck driver an asshole last year, maybe it's to teach me something HUGE AND WONDERFUL AND HOLY, I have no freaking idea."

But c'mon, this boy is four, I can't respond that way and honestly when I do respond, I sound so phony it makes ME sick.  I mean, what am I supposed to say?  Tell him some bullshit story about God wanting them with him and not knowing why and that we should just accept it?  That they are in a better place?  Do I believe that they are in a better place?  HELL.NO.  Sorry.  I don't.

And he says something about his brothers and he puts him arm around my neck and says "I got you, Mama."  Which is what this child says to me when I cry (even though I wasn't crying this time, he knows I do sometimes when discussing James and Jake.)  He says "I got you, Mama."  and he always knows the right time to say it.

Which is why it seems so unfair to him that last week, while taking him to the bathroom in the middle of the night, (something I do before going to bed at night), I picked him up and carried this tired, limp boy in my arms into the bathroom.  I go to set him down and put him directly into the toilet.

I laughed so hard I thought I was going to die.

Back to Racecar thinking I'm pregnant.  Wow.  Ouch.  I wonder at what point I'll quit being disgusted with myself and start doing something about it.

Oh and this morning, while trying on a shirt in the dressing with Ariel at Kohl's, I put a shirt on and she says "Mommy, that shirt is so pretty, take off your glasses so you can be pretty, too."

I guess I'll stick to contacts.  And spanx.

Sharing

It's Monday, June 2nd. 

It's June.  The only month I dread more than I dread June is July.  Which is next.

Somehow I have to pretend that the twins probably would not have been born THIS month.  I also need to pretend that I would not have already had a baby shower.  And I can pretend that my heart isn't breaking, while I'm at it.

So, to help me pretend, I thought I'd share some random pictures with you, it's been awhile since I've shared pictures with you and well, I think today is a pretty good day to do it.  Oh and I also think that June may not be as bad as I had thought it would be, good things have been happening, so I'll hold tight onto those things and try not to look back.

Here are some interesting tree photos that I took while walking with my little family two weeks ago - things in nature become much more interesting when you are looking for good shots.  You notice so much more.

Doesn't this tree resemble elephant legs?

What's that?  You are tired of trees?  You have your own trees to look at?  Fine, look at my bedroom, this is what it looked like last Thursday night and it grew increasingly worse until last night when I finally broke down and cleaned it.  And yes, I make my bed every single day no matter what.  It's a favorite habit of mine.  Well, that and never leaving dirty dishes in the sink.  So, the sink is clean and the bed is made but the rest of the house is a disaster.  Works for me.

I love taking pictures of barns.  My dream is to spend an entire day taking pictures of old barns in Indiana.  I love the colors and the textures and all of the history each one holds.  This one is about 3 minutes from my house. 

This is my dying computer.  See the fabric in the back?  That is what keeps my computer from dying, it holds the cord in such a way that my laptop won't die.  This morning I thought it was the end, I tried to wake her up and she didn't respond.  Then I touched her and she was so cold.  But, I revived her and now she's on life support, which means a pair of Racecar's pajamas are keeping it alive.  But never fear, I ordered a new Dell about 3 weeks ago and it supposed to arrive this Wednesday.  (FINALLY!)  By the way, it's a laptop and it's red which equals AWESOME.

Oh and those are my cheerios and Racecar just took a bite of my cheerios because apparently they are better than his.

Here's milk he spilled when he took a bite of my cheerios.  I wish all of his spills were this pleasant to look at:

And here is a dog.  This dog is so hungry and sad.  The only food I had with me when I saw him were blueberry muffins and I threw them at him, but I guess he doesn't like blueberry muffins because he just stared at my like this:

So, that's it.  My pictures.  I hope you enjoyed it. Oh wait!  I forgot to show you what my sister got me for Mother's Day - I love that it's called Two Together, but I also love that it says Love in Abundance.  Because I do, even with a broken heart, I love in abundance
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The Morning After

Before I begin, I need to tell you that if you have e-mailed me, I have not responded because right now, I just can't.  I have read every e-mail and every amazing comment that has been written to me and I want to respond to every single one individually, I just can not.  So, thank you to everyone that cares so much about me, thank you so much for loving me and for loving my babies.  Thank you for your care, your concern, your words, no matter what you said.  Thank you.  As far as the tattoo idea, I happen to love tattoos and will probably get one honoring J & J, and my friend, Amy, she will go with me to honor Lydia Grace.  She just doesn't know, yet.

The post I wrote last night, well, there could have been so much more added to it.  I could have written all night long about the complexity of not only my feelings, but also my feelings on sharing my feelings on my blog and with people, in general.  It's much more than feeling like I don't have someone that I can just pick up the phone and call, it's much more than that and right now, the right words explaining that escape me. 

I need to continue with what I was trying to convey in my post last night, I just do not where to begin.

Have you ever gotten really drunk and woke up the next day and thought "holy crap, did I really do that?"  And you wish you hadn't?  Me either.  ahem. 

Well, that's kinda how I felt about the post I wrote yesterday.  Except, I don't necessarily REGRET what I wrote, but I do, in a way, regret what I wrote.  The only reason why I really do not regret it is that they were and are very real and true emotions of mine and it was eating me up and I HAD to release them.  The thing is, I don't necessarily feel better about finally sharing my deep thoughts because I feel I may have hurt others and it's my nature to run and try to protect my loved ones from anyone feeling hurt or inadequate and the thought that I may have caused someone to feel hurt or inadequate because of me?  Well, I can't really stand the thought. 

But I keep saying to myself "that post was you.  you are you.  And that's all there is to it.  You can not protect everyone."  And I hear myself saying those words and one side of me agrees and knows that it was the right thing to do and the other side tells me I'm selfish.

I do know it was the right thing to do.

So, if I hurt you, it was not my intent.  My intent was to share, my intent was to relate with other mothers who may feel the same as I, my intent was to make myself feel better, my intent was to let you know what it's like on "the other side." 

I KNOW what it's like to be the person who is involved with someone who is grieving and I SUCKED at it.  I DID.  I can admit, I just didn't know.  I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to do, or how to act. I had no idea.  And that's okay!

I realize that the people who I have not heard from, I am sure, they either have no idea what to say to me, or they just think I want or need space, and at first, that is what I needed.  I wanted to be left alone because I could not function, I was not ready for any type of social interaction.  But now that I am sorta ready and I have gone to dinners and meetings and group situations, it seems after that, perhaps, people felt that I was okay and there was no need to help "nurse" me back to a better emotional and mental state.

But like I said, and what I didn't know and what I am still realizing is that grief does not just go away.  I cried harder last night than I did two weeks after losing James and Jake.  I don't think it's wrong that I cried and I know that you don't either, it's part of grieving, it's continuous.  It changes constantly.  And so do I.

I'm realizing now that grief will not leave me and with that I feel like a calmer, better, person since losing James and Jake.  I don't care as much about getting stopped at red lights, I don't care about traffic jams or rain, I just don't care.  And not just because I realize that I am not in control of all that I thought that I was, not just because I feel the fragility of life every single day, but because I think I understand more about people and feelings and emotions.  And maybe even life.

Because of James and Jake, I am a better mother, I try to be a better wife, daughter, sister and friend.  I even try to be a better stranger.  All because of these two little boys that left this earth much too early.  Even through sadness I can feel their importance, or perhaps, their purpose.

I can only hope that their "presence" grows stronger within me every single day.  I guess that's how I will keep them with me, as their Mommy.  Just what I want to be.  I may not be able to make their beds for them or do their laundry or kiss their boo-boos, but I can be a better me.  For them.

Fragility

Grief is such a fragile thing.  When one is grieving, people don't know how to deal with you, they don't know what's right, what's wrong.  People don't know when to call or when not to call, when to stop sending cards, or when to send them.

I can say that I feel so alone, but when I do people say "YOU ARE NOT ALONE."  Except I am.

I'm alone and I feel it.  And it hurts.  I know everyone will tell me that they are here for me, and I think that's great and it means so much except, usually, honestly, they are not here for me.  And when we are together, it's just never the right time to be The Sad Me. 

And I don't know what to do about it.  If I didn't have this blog, I don't know what I would do.  I don't know what people do who don't have a blog.  I can come here and vent my frustrations and try to express my deepest feelings and people can leave a comment and tell me they understand and they care and I read it and I see it and I feel it.

But mostly, when I shut my computer off, it's not there.  I'm hesitant to write this because I don't want people to think they have failed me in some way, it's just a feeling I have, that I know is part of losing James and Jake and I have to deal with that.  But it's so hard.

And some days are so good.  Some days I feel the love and support of many people, but lately, it's not there.  I would be lying if I said it was there, there are people I used to hear from all of the time before losing the twins and I don't any more.   Some people it's been weeks since I've heard from them and I guess I'm surprised because I thought they needed me, too.  I guess I should be taking the next step, except I'm scared, too.  Because I'm different now.   After losing James and Jake, people told me "this is how you learn who your real friends are" and well, I heard it and I believed it, but I didn't think I would lose anyone.

I know my friends have a strange disadvantage in that they can check in on me on my blog and see how I'm doing.  Except this blog represents a fraction of who I am and what I'm feeling.  In no way can it express everything I am feeling.

I'm afraid to call people and say "hey, how about dinner?" because I don't want them to expect me to be the same old me, so I don't call because I don't want to disappoint people. 

Now I feel vulnerable.  I don't know how to be me, I want to talk about what has happened because right now, it consumes me and it's hard to get together with people and just have normal conversations, even though I love learning about people and hearing about their lives.

I'm consumed.  Grief, as I said, is so very fragile.  More than ever I don't understand it, yet I understand it much more than I used to.  I've learned to never take more than two steps away from someone, I have learned to talk to people about their loss and their new life without the person they lost.  I've learned to call and leave voicemails, I've learned to never ask the person to call me back, I've learned to just say I am thinking of you and my heart hurts for you and I know that that is just what that person may need for that day.  That could be the thing that gets them through their day.  There is so much to know and so much to learn and life is so complicated.

And yet, all I need is an ear.  All I need is to have that someone that can sit with me and cry with me and understand me and love me and not judge me.  I don't want that person to be someone I have to pay $55 for forty-five minutes.  I NEED SOMETHING AND IT'S NOT THERE.  It's not fucking there and I can't stand any more.  How much can a person take?  I don't know.  I see others who have lost, I see their strength and their growth and I can't imagine that I could be that strong, but I'll try.  I really try.

Something is missing.  Yesterday, on Memorial Day, marked three months since I delivered James and Jake.  I have this intense desire to include them in our lives in some way.  I can't have them here in the capacity that I want them or need them, so I need them here in some other form.  I need to know they are with me because I truly can't go the rest of my life not feeling them.  I can't do it.   All I want is to be their Mommy.  THAT'S ALL.

Three months.  Three of the hardest months of my life.  I know I'm going to be okay, and right now, as I sit with tears streaming endlessly down my face, I BELIEVE that they are with me.  At least I think I do.  That belief is all I have of them and it's hard to let it go.

I never thought I could feel this incredible range of emotion that I feel now.  I feel happy, I feel sad, I feel anger, I feel content, I feel despair, I feel joy, I feel empty, I feel full.  And sometimes I feel very, very alone.

And that makes so very sad.

I find it important to say that I'm not angry at anyone.  I'm disappointed, maybe, but I understand.  Situations and relationships with grief intertwined are so complicated, I know this and I understand.  I truly understand.

I know there are people reading this, my family, my friends, people whom I have never met, that would do anything to make the pain go away, and I know who you are, and I thank you.

I realize that many people may not say anything to me because they fear they may say the wrong thing.  I understand that, too.  But another thing I have learned is that something is better than nothing.  In a strange way, I feel lucky to have learned that lesson.  Does that make any sense?

Almost right. But not quite.

The kids are staying over at Grandma's.

Brian won't be home until midnight.

Some of my girlfriends are coming over.

There will be food.  Margaritas.  Sangria.  Guacamole.  Sex on the Beach.  Laughter.  and Wii.

But as I pour the vodka into the pitcher and I stir with the rum and the cranberry juice, I realize.  This is not what I should be doing.  It's what has been sitting on the fore front of my mind all day long.

I'm supposed to be carrying my boys, wobbling around, drinking water.  And I'm not.  And THAT is a hard pill to swallow.  I realize now, how very long it will take me to swallow that pill.  If I ever can.

I'm grateful for my friends, my family for they help fill the emptiness that I feel inside.  I'll laugh and maybe sing and dance, and I can't wait.

But somehow, tonight, more than ever, I miss my James and Jakie.  My heart hurts so badly.

Bitter Betty has arrived.

Don't you just love it when I blog thirty-nine times in one day?  Hey, it's CHEAP therapy.  I am all over CHEAP therapy.

I have decided to live blog American Idol tonight.  Except it won't be live as it will be on my DVR and I plan to watch it tonight but I may watch it tomorrow.  or never.  I don't know.

Last year I live blogged all season long, but this season, not so much.  So, feel free to come back tonight and read my thoughts about David and David and Ryan and Simon and Randy and Stupid.

Listen, I gotta be honest with you.  I am experiencing a period from hell.  Backache, headache, cramps, fattiness, crankiness, hunger, stupidity and freakin' fatigue.  I have it all.  And well, it puts me in the worst mood, not just because of the stupid symptoms but because I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING A PERIOD RIGHT NOW.

I should be pregnant and fat and uncomfortable with swollen ankles and hearburn.

NOT EXPERIENCING THE PERIOD FROM HELL.

And to top it all off?????????????  I have a showing at my house, a.k.a.  The House that People Look at 5,000 Times a Week, in ninety minutes.  My house may as well be a museum, it's always clean and nosey people come in way too often and just look and pass judgement. 

But hey, I took a pain killer, so I'll either not care what the house looks like or just sleep right through the showing.  Either one sounds good to me.

See you tonight.

or not.

Signed,
The Grouchiest Person on the Planet

P.S.  It took every ounce of strength and self control to not drop the f-bomb forty times in this post.  That's how much I love those of you who don't care for it.  But I'm screaming it in my head.  Over and over and over again.

P.S. again.  Is my blog taking forever to load for you?  or is it just me?

Just a little PG-13 for you.

So, let's just say today was a good day and call it a day, shall we?  Because tonight, after dinner, everything started to suck.  I don't know why, I don't care why, it just did.    This morning was great, amazing, beautiful and fantastic, I mean, it included a clean house, Target and Barnes and Noble, how could it not be fantastic? 

But tonight after dinner, boy oh boy, I was SUCKER PUNCHED in the gut.  And let me tell you, I wanted to use the "F" word before the word gut in that last sentence and all night long for that matter, but I didn't because I know not everyone appreciates unsavory language.  But sometimes it feels so fucking good to swear.

I'm not saying, I'm just sayin'.  (that's what my Mom always says.) And I know you agree.  Well, I know MOST of you agree.  I am just so frustrated, I just want a break, I want peace, I want off of this roller coaster.  I.want.off.

So, I'm going to say good night and try to close this computer of mine because I am BURNED out and to be honest, I can't help but think I am burning you out talking about all of my grief and my sadness and bullshit ALL OF THE TIME

So, putting all that aside, (whew, I feel a teeny tiny bit better now), I wanted to show you the blogs that I redesigned this week, the best part of doing blog designs is working with awesome, fun, friendly bloggers.

You can check out my work but also check these fine bloggers out - who doesn't love a new blog to read, right?

(sorry I swore, Mom.  I couldn't help it. It was an accident.)

Adventures in Babywearing
Not that girl...this girl
What's that Mystery?
Life with the Two
Not just any Jen
From Grey to Green
Running from the Little People
Is There Any Mommy out There?  This blog belongs to Any Mommy, she is doing a study on her blog about cereal and sex. I'll leave it at that.  She needs your input.  Help the girl out with your knowledge, okay?
A Spoonful of Sarah

By the way, the original title of this post was "Just a little PG-13 for your ass" but Brian thought it was a little too....racy.  So, I deleted it.  Did I make the right choice?  You tell me.

Do people get offended when swearing occurs in a blog?  It's an interesting topic.  I don't mind it, (obviously) I mean, everyone is entitled to write what they want on their own blogs, but do you get offended?

Okay, for real, good night, sleep tight and don't forget about the contest tomorrow.

And I promise, it won't involve much swearing.

Oh my. *UPDATED*

I bought something today.  Something I have been eyeballing months, but I always put it back on the shelf after smelling it and counting how many were left on the department store shelf.

I used to LOVE to shop, but after losing James and Jake, that desire hasn't been there.  Sure I have purchased things.  Like jeans.  And graphic tees. Deoderant, Teddy Grahams.  But I haven't really shopped. 

Maybe it's because the sun was shining today and it was seventy degrees, maybe it's because I started the morning out in a restaurant having the most pleasant breakfast with Ariel and Racecar and Brian.  Today we celebrated my Mother's Day because Sunday last Sunday was too painful, it wasn't right.  Maybe it's because my house is clean, thanks to having five showings over the course of five days.  Maybe it's because our business has surpassed anything we could have ever imagined.

Maybe it's because of you.   I feel your love and your support and it means SO much to me that I feel a little lighter.  a little breezy.  Whatever it was, it felt right.

And I bought it. 

And I just had to show you, my friends.  Isn't she divine?

And I have something for you.  A giveaway on Monday. 
I'll give you a hint.
GO HERE.

**For those who have asked, I purchased this purse at Macy's and it's made by Fossil.  They have all sorts of fun, summery patterns.  Here's a direct link to the handbag.  And if anyone feels like buying me a birthday present, I'll take the matching wallet or this handbag.  or these flip flops.  See how helpful I am?  I'm all about helping out. But I have to stop looking at The Macy's website, it's making Brian very, very nervous.  He's starting to sweat.  A lot.**

Surfacing

I'm in a funk.  and it's deep.  I feel my tears begin to surface at the slightest thought of James and Jake.  I want to lay down and cry when I realize how close I would be to their due dates right now.  I would be thirty weeks pregnant with my identical twin boys.  I should be pregnant with my identical twin boys.

Today started out very positive.  I sang to my kids and danced funny for them, I worked, I laughed.

And then we heard a certain song, a song that someday, I'll share with you.  A song that makes me cry.  Every single time I hear it.  I heard that song today, on my iPod and changed it half way through, because it was just too much.  That song hasn't left my head since.

Because of that song, I believe, it surfaced.  Grief surfaced.  Pain surfaced.  Sadness.  Loneliness.  I had this desire to sit down and tell someone every detail of their births or deaths.  Honestly, I don't know what to call it.  Doesn't birth mean life?  We never saw birth certificates, only death certificates.  I usually just say "when I delivered James and Jake."  But I don't really say it too much because I don't talk about them too much anymore.

But I want to.

I am so sick of their deaths.  I am so sick of them being gone.  I am so sick of thinking of the moment when the nurse, my trusted, amazing bereavement nurse, wheeled them away from us for the last time.

I cried.  I cried out "goodbye babies" as she went out the door.   It's not what I wanted to say, but it's all I could say without completely losing my mind.  I wanted to say NO PLEASE.  PLEASE NO.  They're going to be cold without me, we want to hold them for the rest of my life. But we no longer could.  My life with them ceased to exist.  Last October I didn't even know of a life with them and now I can barely stand the thought of my life without them.  From the moment that nurse started to move away from me, I missed them.

I hate that I had to decide when it was time for James and Jake to leave my hospital room.  I hate it.  There should be a law that if a parent loses their child, that a parent gets so many days or hours before they MUST be wheeled away by a nurse.  Because how can a parent decide when it's time?  How can a parent call the nurse and say "you can take them now."  Because that's what I had to do.  And those words, those words you can take them now, will haunt me for the rest of my life.  Because I gave someone permission to take my babies away.  And that is just too much for me to handle.

I'm sitting here, wondering what good this post does.  I'm shaking my head.  The emotional side of me is saying publish, publish.  The logical part, the weaker of the two, says do not.

I am going to publish this, with the hopes that YOU hug your children tighter.  That YOU listen to everything they tell you, whether it's about crayons or poop or the sun.  Listen.  Promise me that you will not take for granted the love that surrounds you.  Please, feel it.  Roll around in it.  Realize it's there.  Live it.

If you are reading this and you have suffered a loss like mine, or lost a child, I am so sorry.  I am so very, very sorry.