I Should Be Folding Laundry

The Perfect Day

Sunday, April 27th, 2008 was The Perfect Day.

I woke up and checked our team fundraising site and we had hit our huge goal of $10,000.  Brian and I quickly got ready, we woke the kids, we ate breakfast in the car, we pulled into the March of Babies parking lot.  (by the way, today Team James & Jake is at $10,660 - you can still donate.  Something tells me we'll hit $11,000.)

The March of Dimes reserved a parking spot for us because we were the #1 Friends and Family team. 

As we drove through the lot, (because we missed our close parking space the first time around) I looked around and saw many faces that I love, getting out of their cars, getting ready for this day.  My heart started to melt seeing these people.

I met Stacie, a fellow blogger, Stacie who I had never met in person, Stacie who felt compelled to walk with us and raise money for this cause.  I am in awe of Stacie.

Before I knew it, our entire team was there, with our shirts on.  These shirts that I love so much I can hardly take it.  Every time I saw a shirt, which was often with almost thirty walkers, my heart skipped a beat.  Thank you, Amy - my neighbor, my friend, for getting these shirts donated to us.  I think you are awesome.

The director of the event approached me and told me that Team James & Jake would be leading the walk.  Pride & disbelief is what felt. 

Before the walk, at nine in the morning, inside the concrete building there was a joyous celebration taking place.  Hundreds of people celebrating love, life, family and babies.  Music, food and clowns added to the exciting atmosphere.

The six mile walk was ready to begin, Team James & Jake and all of the other walkers gathered outdoors to begin the long journey ahead, once again, Team James & Jake was announced with our amazing fundraising accomplishment over the loud speaker.  Loud cheers came from the crowd, in my head and in my heart I could not fathom that people were cheering after hearing the names of our twin sons.  I could not fathom that WE, my family, my friends were at this event because of James and Jake.  I felt a strange mixture of elation and sadness.

We started off the walk - Team James and Jake in our shirts - we started walking and a wave of emotion swept over me, sadness really, the gravity of it all dipping deep into my soul.  But soon, as has been the case in the past nine weeks, my family and my friends were there to put a band-aid over the hurt.

As I promised, in the silent moments of this six mile walk, I thought about James, Jake, Lydia, Jonathon, Grace and Allison Jane.  I thought about all of the amazing Mommies who have e-mailed me privately telling me about their personal losses.  I thought about all of you - I walked for you, too.

After an hour and forty-five minutes of walking, we were done.  I was so hungry and my foot hurt, but I swear to you, I would have walked for twenty more miles if that's what we set out to do.  As much as I wish I could take James and Jake and hold them and squeeze them and kiss their beautiful lips or smell their sweet baby breath, or comfort them or fold their laundry, I can't and never will in this lifetime, but for my beautiful sons, who have taught me so much in just nine agonizing weeks, I would walk forever for them.  And I will walk for them again.

Yesterday I experienced a day that honored my boys, a day with family, a day with friends, a day with hugs, a day that held moments of multiple friends whispering I love you in my ear, a day filled with pride, a day filled with a reflection, a day where I know there were hundreds of people remembering James & Jake.  It was the perfect day.

It is now that the emotion overcomes me, the tears fall quickly from my eyes, the day after the walk when I think about ALL OF THE LOVE that has filled our lives since that tragic day on February 26th, 2008 - the donations, the flowers, the cards, the dinners, the McDonald's gift cards, the e-mails, the comments, the prayers, the thoughts - I know we are loved and I thank you for it.  We feel your love.  I thank James and Jake for giving us the gift of love, life and insight.

The tears may be flowing, but so is the love.  The pain hurts so bad, but the love feels so good.

Pictures. (more pictures on my flickr page and on Crooked Eyebrow's flickr page.)

Starting the walk.  (photo by Crooked Eyebrow)

Left to right - my sister Sarah, me, my mom, my niece's boyfriend, my niece, Amber, my sister, Amy. (photo by CE)

 

Love

$10,435

The love of family and friends.  The love of everyone who donated.  The love we feel from this blog.  The love from other bloggers - who are, thankfully, my friends.  It's overwhelming.  Thank you.

Check us Out

Check out our team total...can you help us reach our NEW goal of $10,000??

TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS.

We are stunned.
We have goosebumps.
We are in awe.
Tomorrow will be a day we will never forget.

Thank you.  Thank you for honoring James & Jake.

To donate to the March for Babies, simply click here.

These little boys sure have made a big impact.  Although I feel such sadness - they have changed me in so many positive, amazing ways.

Lydia Grace

My dear friend Amy and her family are walking in honor of their daughter in the March for Babies, as I type this.  Lydia Grace was born with a birth defect called anencephaly, she passed away the day she was born in December of last year.

Amy and I went to high school together - never in our wildest dreams did we think something so devastating would bring us even closer together.

What an amazing tribute to be walking in their beautiful daughter's honor.  Amy, Mike, Alex and Lora - I love you and am proud to be walking for Lydia tomorrow.

It does bring me comfort knowing our precious children are together right now, feeling all of the love for them here on earth.

Lydia's Grace has raised over $4,000 - simply incredible.

This is an example of how necessary raising funds for the March of Babies is - many babies and their families need your help every single day.  I hope you consider helping Team James & Jake reach their goal of $9,000 - we are so very close.  If you'd like to give - click here.

Amy (pregnant with Lydia Grace), Mike and big brother Alex. 

Feeling like a winner

The winner of the McDonald's gift card is Maria (yahoo address.)  Maria has been notified and the gift card will be sent out on Monday.  Congrats, Maria.

Interestingly enough, even though I haven't won a thing, I can't help but feel like the biggest winner of them all, thanks to your generosity.  Team James & Jake is rockin' and rollin'.  Thank you to all of you that have opened up your hearts (and wallets) and donated.  And thank you to those who will be donating.  Your compassion, your generosity, and your love completely blow me away.

seriously.

Inside my heart, I feel such sadness, but with each donation that comes in, it's like you are personally coming to my house and giving me a hug.

Thank you for honoring James & Jake and all babies with your donation.

Can Team James & Jake hit $9,000.00 before Sunday ?????  Check our progress here!!
We are almost there!

I'm in no mood

I could not think of a good title for this post.  My options were "Crap Crap Crap" or "Did you see Carly got voted off?" or "I'm in no mood."  I believe I chose the appropriate one.

This week is hard.  Harder.  Almost too difficult to face head on, fortunately, I have no choice. The difficulty has something to do with returning from our trip to California, I may have escaped from the madness of everything a little too well.  So, on our way back to LAX, my feelings, my thoughts, my mood turned dark.  And dark it has all remained.

Plus, the March of Dimes is this weekend.  You know, that amazing walk where my friends and family, and incredible, caring blog readers are rallying together to walk in honor of James and Jake?   That walk??  I can't wait, but OH MY GOD, I am so scared.  I'm so scared of the emotion.  The love.  The anxiety.  But mostly, the emotion.  Our team has raised almost $8,000 - I am so touched and amazed.  But there is so much pain and reality that comes along with this greatness.

I feel like all of my relationships are in critical condition.  They're in the ICU, I desperately want to fix them, but I'm no shape to be a doctor right now.  I'm not strong enough.  So, I hide or pretend nothing is wrong, when really, something big is very wrong. 

My pregnant friends are getting bigger, they're finding out the sexes of their babies, they're planning, they're so happy - and I am so happy for them, I am excited for them, I pray for them, for their health and their happiness, I love them all so much.  But I am not pregnant and I should be.  I haven't been for eight weeks and it kills me. 

KILLS ME.

I had another appointment with my OB yesterday, we talked candidly, she says I'm all set, she feels good about my meds, can't guarantee this won't happen again (DAMNIT) and she'll see me in September.  Even in September she won't make me wait in the waiting room.  She told me so.   I wonder what I'll be like in September, I hope I'm good.  I pray I'm good. 

The trip we took to L.A., the walk this weekend, my doctor's appointment, my social anxieties, my fears, my shattered dreams, are all happening because I lost James and Jake.  The reality is hitting me this week.  I hate reality.

I hate it all.  Except you.  I love you.  I love my family.  I love my life.  There is this portion of my life, an all consuming portion that sucks. 

I think it's going to suck for a long time and I just have to accept it.

Don't worry, I'll keep my head up.  And I'll try, I'll try so hard to stay focused on the positives, but sometimes, it doesn't make a difference - I'm still so sad.

What can you do?

People often ask what they can do to help.  I usually say "nothing" or "just pray for strength and please, please do not forget my boys."

Never in a million years did I think I could experience a loss like we have.  We never thought we would be the ones grieving, we never thought we would be the ones going to the funeral home to plan a memorial service.  We only had visions of sleepless nights, blue blankies, and baby toys scattered across the living room floor.  What we would give to have those sleepless nights and the messy floor.   

But it did happen to us and the reality is, it could happen to you, your sister, your cousin, your best friend or your daughter, and I don't want that.  I will do what I can do try to stop others from experiencing this type of loss by raising money for the March of Dimes.

You all have helped me so much with your kind words of support through this blog, but now is when I need your help in helping me make a difference- you can help me by donating to the March for Babies. On April 27th, my family, friends and I will be walking six miles in honor of James and Jake, my dear friend's daughter Lydia Grace, my niece, Grace and nephew, Jonathon, and ALL babies who left this beautiful earth too early or those that were born prematurely or with birth defects.

I can't stand that I lost James and Jake and I'm going to do something about it.  Walking on April 27th will not bring them back, but I will be comforted knowing I am doing what I can do make a difference.   It is my hope that you will help me by donating.

**To everyone who has donated so far, we THANK YOU from the bottom of our hearts for honoring our boys with your donation.  We are amazed and touched by your generosity.  (click here to see our team's outstanding progress.) **  My goal is $3,000 - I am almost there.

If you live in the Northwest Indiana area and would like to join our walk, it's not too late - click here.  We would be honored to walk with you.

I hope you consider helping my team to REACH & EXCEED our goal - every dollar truly does make a difference.

You can donate by clicking here - credit cards, paypal or checks made out to The March of Dimes are accepted.

With all of my heart and soul, I thank you.

March for Babies - 2 Weeks Away

Go team go!  Team James and Jake in Northwest Indiana has raised over $5800.  WOW WOW WOW!  We are just amazed and so touched by everyone's generosity.  If you'd like to contribute to this amazing cause, you may do so by clicking here.

If you live in the Northwest Indiana area and would like to walk in the March of Dimes March for Babies on April 27th, you can click here to register for the walk and join our team.  The walk begins at 10:00 a.m.

All walkers will be receiving a very special Team James and Jake t-shirt, if you have already registered and have not e-mailed me the size you would like to wear, please do so.  If you have just decided to walk with us, WELCOME - and please let me know what your shirt size is.  The shirt order must be in by Wednesday, time is running out.  My e-mail: foldinglaundry AT gmail DOT com.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to all of those that have already donated, those who will donate and to those incredible individuals walking with us on the 27th. 

Thank you for honoring James and Jake.

For OUR babies

I'm amazed at how quickly my mood can shift.  In one moment, like this morning, I felt empowered and strong, I felt like I was continuing through my life, remembering my boys, doing what I can do maintain a healthy frame of mind for my family and I.

And then I'll read something or multiple things, I'll see a maternity shirt that never got packed away, I'll read an old post of mine, I'll have a conversation about seeing family or friends and I'll be reminded of the anxiety I feel.  The anxiety I hate.  Suddenly I'm plunged back into the sadness, like someone holding my head under water, I try to fight my way back up, but sometimes, I know, I need to just let it be, knowing soon I'll float back to the top.

My neighbor just called and dropped off a check, a donation for our walk for the March of Dimes, March for Babies.  I'm touched by this gesture, especially since I never specifically asked her to make a donation to our walk.  She heard about it and made the donation.  I wonder if she'll ever know how much it will mean to me.

To the many, many friends, family and strangers who have donated, do you have any idea how much it means to me for you to donate in memory of James and Jake?  For you to walk alongside my family or in another part of the country?  I don't think I can ever express to you how you have single handedly touched my heart with your generosity.

Throughout this wicked journey of mine, I have learned many things.  One of them being that I am not alone.  There are countless mothers out there who have experienced a loss similar to mine, in some form or another.  Just yesterday, Shannon posted this beautiful and articulate post on her blog, her post touched me and gave me hope, there are currently over 130 comments from people understanding her pain, affected by their own losses.  When I receive an e-mail from another person who has experienced such a loss, my eyes fill with tears, my heart breaks, I want to reach out, but I don't always know how.  I pray.  I send positive thoughts.  I listen.  I cry.

And on April 27th, I will walk.  I walk for James and Jake.  They may be in heaven, but oh my God, they are resting deep in my heart, they are embedded in my soul.   I walk for Lydia, the sweet beautiful baby girl who has touched so many lives.  I walk for my nephew Jonathon, who my sister lost at 21 weeks and her daughter Grace, whom she lost at 17 weeks.   

It is my biggest fear that I will experience this horrific loss two times, like my sister did.  My fear paralyzes me, but somehow springs me into action.  It is my fear that a future child of mine will be born prematurely.  My fear feeds my desire to do what I can do prevent it, through research, through the March of Dimes.

I walk for your baby.  Your children.  Your grandchild.  Your brother.  Your sister.  Your niece or your nephew.  Every step I take will be for a different child.  It's a six mile walk - I will be taking many steps.

Please, either join me at my walk or donate.  Every dollar donated could prevent this from happening again - to you to me, to anyone.

Thank you, dear readers.  For everything.  Thank you to the March of Dimes, for reaching out to me during our time of grief. 
________________________

Another neighbor of mine has graciously offered to donate Team James and Jake t-shirts to our entire local team, if you are walking, please e-mail me your size.  (foldinglaundry AT gmail DOTcom)  I have a great neighborhood, don't I?

________________________
If you have created your own local team in honor of James and Jake, please send me an e-mail.  THANK YOU.