I Should Be Folding Laundry

Our Home

If all goes as planned, then tonight will be the last night in our home.

Our home.  It is truly our home.  It's warm, inviting, cozy and filled with love.  This weekend I have walked within these walls thinking about all that we have seen and felt and experienced here.  The love, the kisses, both of our children learning to talk and walk and play.  The memories are so sweet.  The memories are so vivid.  After tomorrow, memories will be all we have.

Except sometimes, those memories don't feel like such a small thing.  They are so sweet, they are sometimes bitter, they are sometimes heartbreaking, but through it all we have experienced it all as a family. 

This home was my protector after James and Jake died.  It was the only place where I felt secure and certain.  Every time I walked outside this home after losing them, I felt so alone in this big world, so unsafe, unsure of what will happen, but upon returning through the front door, the not so certain became certain again, I was comfortable in my grief, if that's even a possibility.  I feel gratitude towards this home, I want to hug and thank it for being there for us, through it all, I want to sit and share memories with it over coffee, we'd swap stories remembering the time Brian threw up on the bedroom wall or the time I burned my arm on the oven.  And the good, the moment Racecar came home from the hospital, Ariel's first day of school, or on Christmas day when we told Ariel and Racecar that we were going to be adding to our family by two this summer.

If I could, I'd thank our home for being gentle with me on the days I would wake up and realize my babies had died, I would wake up hopeful it was just a bad dream, but no, it was painfully real when I realized my belly and my heart were empty.

This house is so beautiful.  And so are the memories.

I'll miss our neighbors, who are quiet, friendly and they respect our privacy and our space but would do anything for us.  I'll miss the many varieties of flowers that we planted that came back every year without fail, and yet every year I was in awe of their beauty.

I'll miss the trees in our backyard that are the home to the birds singing their beautiful songs.  I will miss it all.

I say good bye to this house, with sadness, but no regrets.  It is time to move on, to create new memories in a new home, a new adventure.  We are parting with such sweet sorrow, but we are definitely looking forward to tomorrow.

Holy Crap, we're moving.

I've been in denial, MAD DENIAL that we are actually closing on our houses on Monday.  We have not packed a thing (packers have been hired, however, we are in charge of packing the bedrooms and the bathrooms), we have no window coverings for our new house, we do not even have an oven.  Honestly, I don't plan on cooking, Brian doesn't planning on cooking, unless you plan to come over and cook, then why do we need one?  Just one more thing to clean.  Am I right or am I right?

So, this is where my life of getting up in the morning and staying in my pajamas until eleven, okay twelve, ends and my new life of craziness begins.  I'm okay with that, crazy and I have known each other for a long, long time, we get along great.  Usually.

I leave you with some important bits of information.

First, I blogged over here and I helped babysit Jo-Lynne's blog while she was away by guest posting on her blog. (her blog was very well behaved, by the way.)

Speaking of guest posting, while I'm moving I have asked some people to guest post on my own blog because we are moving on Tuesday, July 1 and have I mentioned that I won't have internet until July 10th?  While I plan to stop in and show you pictures of our house, our progress and our new bath tub, you'll also be seeing some new faces around here next week and maybe the week after that.

One of those faces is my husband.  He's going to blog for me.  I asked him, he said "no," I said "please, please, please, please", he said "no."  I said "fine, then I won't cook dinner anymore" he said "you don't cook dinner" and I said "fine then I won't be in charge of ordering the pizza anymore" and he said "okay, FINE.  I love pizza."

So, there you go - I have packing to do and pizza to order. 

Also, I have winners for the 10 cases of Primo Water!  Just e-mail me your address and Primo will send along your case of water!  Congrats to the winners.

1.  Midwest Mommy
2.  Peggy (bex e-mail)
3.  Irish Mom
4.  Anna
5.  Steff (gmail e-mail)
6.  Gina 
7.  Aimee
8.  Carole
9.  Cereal Dieter
10.  Alaina

FINE! PICTURES! EXCITEMENT! GEESE!

Okay, I here you loud and clear, you want to see pictures.  And those that do not want to see pictures did not tell me not to, so I'm going to do it. So, if you do not want pictures, then close your eyes while reading this post because instead of showing one picture of the house, I'm going to slam a bazillion pictures in your direction because I do not know what moderation is.

Hence how Racecar was created.  (I kid!) (I think.)  (I don't remember.)  No, I'm pretty sure I'm kidding.

We saw these crazy geese while driving after a thunderstorm yesterday, it was so much fun, truly.  And then it stopped being fun when they just stared at me while honking.  What is with animals staring at me while I'm driving?  At least I didn't throw blueberry muffins at these animals.  Maybe that's why they were staring, they knew I was the crazy blueberry muffin thrower and they were waiting for me to throw the goods at them.

But I didn't.  Instead, I took pictures.

This goose was the cool goose.  The Danny Zuko of the pack.  "what's the matter with me baby? what's the matter with you?"

I love this picture for 65 reasons.  I love it because it's so vivid, but also because I thought of James and Jake when I planted these flowers.  Ariel, Racecar and I planted them and there were two plants of daisies for the one pot, we said one was for James and one for Jake.

Here's Lynette's son.  I could took take pictures of him all day long.

I received this great package from Similac today.  "THANKS, SIMILAC!!!!"  I yell, while waving.  (my middle fingers.)

Hey, I'm classy if nothing else.

Speaking of class, here are Ariel and Racecar.  They had me laughing all morning.  Crazy kids.

And here's our house.  Well, what is supposed to be our house...maybe.  Someday.  We'll see.  (cross your fingers!  say a prayer!)  Four bedrooms, 2 1/2 baths, massive kitchen and it looks like coffee and chocolate, two of my favorite things.  It's also a "green" house, which means it has a smaller impact on the environment, and the builder is a certified "Green Builder" which I LOVE.  But  my most favorite thing about this house is that we had picked it out when I was pregnant with James and Jake and we had picked out their room.  And although it makes me sad, it makes me happy that they are apart of this house. 

(don't worry, there will be sod, did I mention it's a new construction??)

Cautiously Excited Not Really But A Little Bit Okay Really I Am But Don't Tell Anyone

That's how I feel in a nutshell.  One minute I'm excited and happy.  The next I'm scared that everything will fall through, because you know, it happens.  And I can't help but feel like it's going to happen.

So, yeah.  We got the house.  And we got a pretty good deal on it.  A surprisingly good deal, in fact.  A really good deal.  I learned a valuable lesson when bidding on our new house:  it never hurts to ask.

But I'm still very, very nervous because of inspections and other people's finances and oh my God everything could fall through and then I'll be here to stare at my walls and be sad.

Or everything will be fine and we'll move.

Or not.

Or we will

Gosh, I'm so confused.  I'm so scared to show my excitement and have it be gone.  Because that just happened to me when I lost the twins and I don't want to do it again, so sometimes I just want to keep these things to myself now, but that's not very fair to you...or me.

So, do you want to see a picture of our new house?  Yes or no?

Oh and in the middle of writing this post, our agent called about the inspection done on our this morning and we passed with no repairs.

hmmmm....maybe we will move after all.

(or not)

Decisions

Ever since losing James and Jake, I feel like I have had to make some very important decisions.  BIG decisions, not just deciding what kind of ice cream I'm going to pour down my throat, but big, life changing things.

Like, deciding if we want to bury our babies, or have them cremated.  After that decision, it was deciding on their memorial service, then, our agent told us we could take our house off of the market, without penalty, we had to decide if we were going to stay in this house or move, even if it meant moving without James and Jake.

I had to decide to leave my volunteer position that I had held for four years.

I decided to create a March for Babies team honoring James and Jake.

Christy and I decided to start a business.

I decided to leave my work at home job, starting July 1.

Once our contract was up for our house, we had to decide whether or not to renew our contract.  That was last Friday.  We decided to extend the contract for thirty days and break our contract on June 13th.  So, we extended for two weeks started May 31st. 

On June 1st, we got an offer.  On June 2nd, they accepted our counter.

So, yesterday, when we had to decide on a house, it was a little overwhelming.  We had narrowed it down to two homes, and we were going back to both homes last night, so we could make a decision.  Typically I would have brought my parents with us to help us make this decision, but they are in Colorado, so we were flying solo.  Which petrified me.  So, I enlisted the help of two friends, who came along to view the homes. 

The first home was beautiful, on an acre, out in the country.  We left that house and then we arrived at the next house, the other contender. 

And I knew, this was the house.  From the minute we stepped out of the car, I knew. 

And I was right, we made an offer last night, which will most definitely be countered, but it feels so good to have made this decision.  I woke up this morning, knowing it was the right decision.

and that feels so good.  Perhaps I'll have an update later for you today...

Spinning

There is so much going on in my life right now.

First, I blogged over here about Ariel and her important day today.

Second, my new laptop is arriving today, which is so very, very exciting, except I have to create new bookmarks and remember usernames and passwords and I have to switch to Vista  (the horror) but at least there will be constant power flowing into the new laptop, unlike this one sitting on my lap with the cord ghetto-rigged so it doesn't die in the middle of a post.  And did I mention my new laptop is red?

BUT, the BIG BIG BIG BIG BIG news is that we sold our house.  We did.  WE SOLD OUR HOUSE.  Which is so exciting, except we close on June 30th and well, we have no place to live so we have been spending every spare second looking at houses and the problem is that we LOVE two and we don't know what to do.  I would go into further detail, but I can't because it gives me a panic attack and I have to shower and get moving, it's an important day filled with a preschool graduation, a new computer, two jobs, buying a new house and well, a root canal.

I know how to squeeze every last second out of everyday, which is good, because I so desperately need the distraction and well, I have it.  TONS OF IT.

Did I mention we sold our house?  And we have no place to live after June 30th?

Just checking.  But we'll be fine, I know it, because my new laptop is red.

Winners Announced

We spent the entire morning watching preschool olympics.  The kids may have run around for three hours straight, but I took over 400 pictures and I am exhausted.  We had two showings scheduled tomorrow and both showings were second showings.  I just took a nap that ran a little bit too long, I woke up just in time for my realtor to call and tell me that one of the showings heard about the other showing and they now want to see our house in three hours.  Well, two hours and fifty minutes - so I am going to tell you about the winners and then I'll be back to this ol' blog sometime tomorrow because I have a messy house to clean!

Alright, the winner of my Americal Idol contest is Summer.  Summer guessed David Cook, she wins a blog makeover OR a $10 McDonald's gift card if she doesn't have a blog.  Which it doesn't appear that she does, so Summer (yahoo e-mail), you can give your makeover to someone who has a blog, or you can choose the gift card.  It's up to you!

The winner of the $50 Shabby Apple Gift Certificate is: Susan at Walking on Sunshine. Congratulations!

Summer and Susan, please e-mail me because you are winners!!  YEE-HAW! 

I love learning new things about all of you.  I know you don't believe it, but I read each comment that comes through.  I couldn't help  but notice that many of you talked about mayonnaise, but that's okay, I like mayonnaise.   Well, Miracle Whip, I hate real mayonnaise.  Okay, must go clean so someone can look at my house for no reason since it's The House That Will Not Sell. 

See you tomorrow.

Longwinded and Totally Random

Hashimoto's Disease - It appears as though my Hashimoto's is rearing it's ugly head again.  I had blood work done just days before losing the twins and the results showed that my levels were a little off.  I had a doctor's appointment two weeks ago about my thyroid but since my body's hormone levels are totally out of whack, we can't really take any type of action with medication.  I have a blood test scheduled to test my thyroid levels and my iron levels in two weeks.  I have been very, very tired, no matter how much sleep I have been getting, the type of tired I feel when my thyroid has dropped, which is very, very tired.  (am I getting that point across?)

Good Food - Would you believe people are still providing meals for us?  And what have I learned from everyone's generosity?  That I need to improve on my cooking skills.  For the past two weeks, Lynette has arranged for the Moms in our Mommy's Group to bring meals to our home and it has been incredible.  Everything has been so delicious.  And now, this week, my cousin, who owns a business making dinners, has provided dinners for us this week.  The sad part is that all of the dinners end this week, which means I'll be in charge of making dinners for us next week, it's back to the land of spaghetti and Schwan's chicken.

The Laundry - Since my Mom and my sister keep folding our laundry, I realize I'm not very good at folding laundry either.  I think I already knew that, though.

My Closet -  This past weekend my sister, Sarah, came to visit and she helped me clean out my closet which was filled with maternity clothes.  Completely and totally filled with maternity clothes.  Every time I walked into my closet I was filled with sadness and dread.  Back in January, when we were preparing our house to go on the market, I packed all of my non-maternity clothes into boxes and we put them into storage, thinking that when we moved I would unpack those regular clothes after my pregnancy.  I never though for a second that it would not happen that way.  This weekend, Brian went back into storage and pulled out my regular clothes and we washed them and put them back into my closet.  And when I say "we" I mean "Sarah" because this was one task that I just has to remove myself from completely.

Showings - This past weekend we also had three showings.  It was a very busy weekend.  Maybe that's why I'm so tired???

American Idol -  Despite everything, we have been watching American Idol, it's the one and only show we watch every week and I have to say, I love this season.  I also have to say that I can't stand to watch Amanda Overmeyer perform, it's like nails on a chalkboard.  And I really would like to see her leave, I know she's a Hoosier n' all, but I just can't stand the voice, the hair, the leg shaking and the occasional tongue sticking out after a performance.  Makes me crazy.  Am I alone?  So far I have been very pleased with who has been sent home each week, let's see if it continues...

E-mails - So many of you have sent me a personal e-mail and I wish I could respond to all of them, but I just can't.  Mainly because it's just too hard, however, I have read every single e-mail that has come through and every single one touches me and means so much.  I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to send me an e-mail and sharing your condolences, stories and insight with me.

California - Brian is booking our trip right now as we speak.  Thank you to everyone who encouraged me to go.  I'm sure it's going to be a very, very good thing.

Finally, thank you so much to everyone who has made a donation to our walk honoring James and Jake and Lydia, everyone's generosity has been mind blowing, it's truly something that I lay in bed and think about the fact that there are so many kind, loving, caring individuals out there, who want to help make a difference.  So, thank you, thank you so very much.  And thank you to the individuals who have joined our team or formed a team in their area honoring the twins, there are no other words, just thank you from the bottom of our hearts.   We are in awe.

Fear

I'm feeling a little fearful today.   I can feel it in my legs and my arms and mostly my heart.  Tomorrow Brian returns to work after working from home since all of this happened.  Which leaves me at home, alone, taking care of the kids and the house...and myself.  It means being the person who takes the kids to school and facing the teachers and the parents, some may say nothing, some may say something.  Tomorrow is the day where I try to create a new normal and it scares me.  But it's time.

As many of you know, we put our house on the market in February to find a larger home to better fit our growing family.  We are fortunate that when our realtor found out about our loss, she offered to release us from our contract without any penalties.   It was comforting to know that we are working with someone with such compassion, but, we decided to keep our house on the market, thinking if it sells, great.  If it doesn't, great.  Our contract is up in May, we will ride the market until then.  We did, however, ask for no showings for two weeks.  That two weeks ended two days ago and we have a showing tonight.  The call came yesterday, and honestly, it freaked me out a little. Maybe it was because I did not feel our house was ready or maybe it was because this home has been such a safe haven for me since February 26th, that bringing strangers into it while we leave just feels strange.

Either way, the house will be ready. It feels good to be physically able to clean the house, my dizzy spells are coming less and less, my weight continues to drop making it easier to move around and I have a little more energy.  My milk, however, has yet to dry up completely, so reaching for things still hurts, but I can handle that.  All of the cleaning and the prep work will be good therapy, a good distraction.  I think.  I hope.

We have been searching for a chest to keep all of the things we have to remember James and Jake, things like cards that have been sent, the memory box made by the nurses at the hospital after they were delivered, clothing we bought for them when we found out they were identical twins boys, their scrapbook, self help books, it all needs a home.  We have literally been to fifteen furniture stores trying to find just the right one.  We wanted to find one before having a showing for our house and we did, yesterday.  Last night, I went through all of the items and placed them in the chest and was overwhelmed with memories and sadness and the reality of everything that has happened.  I realized that by leaving everything where it was, I was avoiding the reality of it all, it's amazing the things you do without even realizing it.  The reminders hurt so much and I think it hurt even more to be hiding much of this from the strangers that will be walking through our house, these people that will have no idea of the heartache that exists within these walls.

I have to admit, I'm a little envious of them.

I do hope, however, they can feel the love and the good times that we have experienced in this home of ours, I know I can.

I think that's all that matters.

So very, very random

-My Birthday.  My birthday was really great.  Very low key.  Honestly, the day was like any other, since Brian spoils me so much as it is, every day feels like my birthday.  He did bring me pre-birthday flowers on Wednesday and a bigger bouquet yesterday.  Then he ordered my favorite cake from Coldstone Creamery.  The kids and I went to lunch with one of my best, best, best friends, we then came home, took a nap, woke up and we walked through a house we REALLY like a second time, then we met my parents and my niece for dinner at one of my favorite restaurants.  We came home, sang Happy Birthday (is there anything better than hearing your kids sing happy birthday to you?), we ate cake and not an hour later did I pass out on my chair.  I'm a party animal, if nothing else.  Thank you for all of your birthday wishes, I loved them!

-The Showing.  The showing went VERY well.  The family is very interested in our house and another house in our area.  They are meeting with a loan officer on Monday, they are not in a huge hurry to purchase a home.  They were in our house for 45 minutes! There was no negative feedback and that feels really good.  YEE-HAW!
 
-My heart monitor.  It felt really good to take the mo'fo off.  I was feeling a lot of burning and itching, when I peeled the monitors off my skin was raised and very red, it's still raised and red and burns.  I feel like I have a sun burn and it itches.  And when I itch it, it looks like I'm itching my boob.  It's fun.

-I'm going to dinner with my friends tonight, and I can't wait.

-Let's see, what else.  Oh yes, I do not like Brooke Shields.  There.  I said it.

-I only ate one cupcake and I did sorta hide, leaning over the countertop in my kitchen.  I sorta wish someone had taken my picture while doing it, but I'm very glad nobody did.  I still have one cupcake left.

-I'm announcing a contest tonight or tomorrow on my blog.  It has to do with these two babies in my belly.  Be sure to check back.

-If you want to read a real post by me, go here.

-We are planning a bloggy meet-up next Saturday (the 16th) at 5:30.  If you are in the Northwest Indiana vicinity and would like to attend, let me know.  (click on the words e-mail me on the right) Bloggers planning to attend: this one, this one, this one, this one, and this one.  so far.  And maybe this one, if we are very, very lucky. (adults only!)

-One of my readers, Shelli, asked me what my favorite "halfway healthy food" is.   Honestly, I do not like fruits and vegetables.  Isn't that funny?  No, it's not?  Oh, well, it's pretty true.  I do LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE salads.  I eat many salads throughout the week.  Also, fiber is very important to me at this point in my life because pooping does not come easily to me during this pregnancy.  I love almost all Fiber One cereals, I eat at least one bowl each morning with a huge glass of orange juice.    I recently discovered (thanks to a ton of people telling me about them) Fiber One bars.  They are so freakin' good I can hardly take it.  And they have 9 grams of fiber.  So far I have had three flavors - oats and caramel, oats and peanut butter and oats and chocolate.  And oh my, they are all delicious.

I love firm, red seedless grapes, red delicious apples, cantaloupe and pears.  (well, I like pears)  And I like green beans and sometimes crave celery.  And I also love Papa John's pizza, which we are having for dinner tomorrow night as part of my birthday celebration.  (see? my birthday never ends!)  yes, Papa John's is sorta healthy - tomatoes, dairy, protein.  It's perfect.

Honestly, although I talk a lot about very fattening foods on this here blog, I do watch what I eat all of the time.  I am steadily gaining weight, which is so much fun, but I'm aware of everything I eat, while I gain.  I can't imagine how much weight I would have gained if I didn't pay attention.  (no, I will not tell you how much weight I have gained.  For a hint, however, think "whales."

-Oh my God, is this the longest post ever?

-I no longer want to eat Cookie Crisp.  :(

-I'm way behind on American Idol and I don't really feel affected by the writer's strike at all.  Thanks, TLC!

All right, that's it.  Check back later for my contest announcement. 

Especially if you think you are a little psychic.