I Should Be Folding Laundry

Misadventures of a Sweaty Lady

Today, I ran around like a crazy person.  I spent 3 hours looking for a dress for a wedding that I am in THIS SATURDAY.  I'm the only attendant, the matron (read: old lady) of honor.

I spent 3 hours looking in mirrors and hating how I look.

I spent 3 hours covered in tummy sweat, boob sweat and mustache sweat.  All while wearing spanx.  I was very, very attractive, kinda what an old hot dog looks like sitting out in the sun on a buffet table at a barbecue.

Yes, that's exactly what I looked like.

First, at the mall, I dodged 10 associates trying to make me smell perfume or cologne.  Why do they still do this?  Did you know they wear regular clothes now?  I was tricked, I thought the first lady was a friendly customer but instead she shoved a piece of paper doused in COLOGNE into my hands, which I carried around for so long that I got a headache and never did find a garbage can so I slid it into my back pocket which means the smell is stuck on me forever because you know how often I wash my jeans. 

Also, did you know that at David's Bridal, they don't even have mirrors in their dressing rooms, so you have to GO OUT IN PUBLIC to look at yourself in the mirror?  Torture.  I think I'll write the company.

Dear Mr. David's Bridal,

I entered your store today, hoping to find a dress for a wedding I am in this Saturday.  Yes, I know, it's very last minute, your associate acted like I was a lunatic.  I shopped in your store and walked out feeling like crap.  Why?  Because for one, your size twelves are actually size eights, and that alone makes me want to punch you in the face.  And secondly, you made me walk out into the center of the store so I could look into the mirror - without even knowing what I looked like.  So, while parties were waiting for their brides to try on dresses in their mirror-less dressing rooms, they stared at me in a dress, that I couldn't zip, my legs are pasty white and the sweat all over my body made it look like I was in the middle of the boxing match.  And sometimes, I felt like I was in the middle of a boxing match because some of your dresses are SO complicated.  Once, I put my head through a sleeve and couldn't get it back off, another time I tried to pull a dress over my head to get it over my shoulders and the same dress I tried to pull up from the bottom but it wouldn't slide over my hips and it was a SIZE 12. 

At one point, I honestly thought I was stuck in a dress forever, which would have been bad because it was half on my body and half off of my body, and I would not have been able to call Brian from my cell phone to come rescue me because my arms were sticking straight up in the air. 

No lie.

I wonder, do you have video cameras inside your dressing rooms?  Because if you do, I provided you with hours and hours of side splitting laughter. Perhaps consider serving margaritas and ho-hos and I could join you with the laughter.  That would be grand.

And one more thing, there is no doubt that A MAN started this business.  Because Dave, I kinda think you are a jerk.  No offense.

Love,
The Sweaty, Pale, Size Ten, Old, Dressless Bridesmaid

The only good thing that happened during my shopping trip is that I thought I was being hit on by an older gentlemen, except he wound up being homeless and asked me for a quarter.  I was kinda bummed.  It felt a little like when you go to a restaurant and you get carded and you say something like "wow, thanks!  I love being carded!"  And the server responds with "I know, I'm sorry, I have to card everyone under 40."

Buzz kills all around.

Enough of this depressing fat girl dress talk, let's talk Father's Day...I have dusted off my good ol' review blog and decided to do some reviews once again.  I have decided to become much more particular about items that I review - which means I will only review items that I would actually use or buy in my everyday life.  So - head there, because I have a new fangled techie thing that I am reviewing and also? on Thursday, come back to that same review blog for a HUGE GIVEAWAY.

At least they're honest

Just now, before going back to his room for quiet time for me him, Racecar leans over me, while I'm sitting in my chair and says "Hey!  Your belly is getting bigger!"

Yes.  You heard that right, my son noticed my belly is getting better.

Trying not to be offended, I respond "you think so?"

"Yes!  Are the babies back in your belly?"  he asks.

"No they are not." I respond. 

"They are in heaven with God?"  he says.

"Yes."

"Why did God take them?"

"Because they died, honey."

"Why did they die?  Why did God want them?"

At this point in the conversation, I wonder how I am supposed to not say to him, "I have no freaking idea why GOD took my babies from me.  Maybe it's because I called that truck driver an asshole last year, maybe it's to teach me something HUGE AND WONDERFUL AND HOLY, I have no freaking idea."

But c'mon, this boy is four, I can't respond that way and honestly when I do respond, I sound so phony it makes ME sick.  I mean, what am I supposed to say?  Tell him some bullshit story about God wanting them with him and not knowing why and that we should just accept it?  That they are in a better place?  Do I believe that they are in a better place?  HELL.NO.  Sorry.  I don't.

And he says something about his brothers and he puts him arm around my neck and says "I got you, Mama."  Which is what this child says to me when I cry (even though I wasn't crying this time, he knows I do sometimes when discussing James and Jake.)  He says "I got you, Mama."  and he always knows the right time to say it.

Which is why it seems so unfair to him that last week, while taking him to the bathroom in the middle of the night, (something I do before going to bed at night), I picked him up and carried this tired, limp boy in my arms into the bathroom.  I go to set him down and put him directly into the toilet.

I laughed so hard I thought I was going to die.

Back to Racecar thinking I'm pregnant.  Wow.  Ouch.  I wonder at what point I'll quit being disgusted with myself and start doing something about it.

Oh and this morning, while trying on a shirt in the dressing with Ariel at Kohl's, I put a shirt on and she says "Mommy, that shirt is so pretty, take off your glasses so you can be pretty, too."

I guess I'll stick to contacts.  And spanx.

Lighten Up

This past week has been very heavy for me, very sad, not very good.  So, I have some random things to share with you and then I'll be on my way to trying to lighten things up inside of me.

First, I wrote a post here about my weight.  I need to lose weight, but like so many others, I'm struggling to find that key motivation to get me started.  I can't figure out why it's so hard to make ourselves look and feel better...is there anything better than looking and feeling better?  Is there anything worse than feeling bad about yourself?

Second, I read this post, written by Tara, it's about her husband.  It was his birthday yesterday and she wrote a post listing 34 things that she loves about her husband and it includes pictures with each item and OH MY GOD,  I love it.  Could you write a post like that about your husband?  Would you?  I love it and I had to share it.

Thirdly, I am going to see Sex in the City tomorrow night with some of my girly friends and I am EXCITED.  My hope is that Smith Jerrod is in it and that he is looking extra hot.  I'm just sayin'.  I not only hope he's in it, A LOT, but I hope his hair is cut short, remember when he cut his hair off for Samantha???  I cried like a baby.  And then I paused the episode and stared at his hotness for hours.  HOURS I TELL YOU.  Brian was so annoyed.  If I could live blog during the movie, I totally would.   

Oh and I did get to the dentist and I have to have a root canal next week.  It's funny because root canals have this bad reputation, but I think they're pretty breezy.  The only thing I dread about going to the endodontist is the bill.

Interesting.  I feel so much better now since I talked so much about Smith Jerrod.  This could be a good day.

I'll leave you with a present.  No need to thank me.

Wow.  Just wow.

Perhaps tomorrow I'll do the opposite

Last night my niece called me to tell me that she and her boyfriend were getting married.

June 14th, (2008) she says.  I run the date through my mind and realize that it's a great date!  "okay, we'll be there."

Then she says "will you be my maid of honor?"

Blushing I reply "Can I wear jeans?"

To which she replies with "hahahahahaheeeheeeheeehoooohoooo."

She laughed, which either means:

"um, of course, you can wears jeans, a graphic tee, your running shoes and a pony tail, it will be like a graduation party, except its a wedding."

or it means "um, no."

I'm guessing her laughter meant no, so I realized very quickly that not wearing jeans equals wearing a dress which equals freaking out about my weight.

So, last night I decide that Tuesday marks the day where I stop eating my favorite snacks, it's time to buckle down and lose the remaining pregnancy weight that I have and feel good about myself.

I woke up this morning and I had started my period and since then I have eaten Honey Nut Cheerios, Cocoa Puffs, three hershey bar squares, 18 Bug Bites, 15 chocolately chip Teddy Grahams, Sun Chips and Macaroni and Cheese.

and it's only 12:12 p.m.

I'm off to a great start.  Perhaps I can change her mind about the jeans.

Oh, look!  Lunchtime!

oh, Apple. You slay me.

This past January, Brian changed his work schedule to get home from work at four, rather than almost 6:30, which means one very important thing: I lost my excuse not to exercise.

Why is he trying to ruin my life??

So, I've started exercising. 

I know, I know.  Some of you are yelling at your screens NO, BETH, DON'T DO IT.  SIT DOWN.  EAT ICE CREAM.  WE LOVE READING ABOUT YOUR EXCESS SKIN HANGING OVER YOUR JEANS. and yes, I do want to listen to you because not exercising is so freakin' easy.  But last Saturday morning I woke up and decided that no matter what I did on that day, I had to go for a walk.

Last summer, I walked for exercise quite a bit and sometimes I even forced myself to run (when I really wanted to torture myself, I never did run very far) and I was very inspired by my iPod nano.  I learned that if you had an iPod nano, you could purchase the Nike Plus running kit to go along with it, which contains sensors and crap (one that goes in your shoe and one that connects to your iPod) and then it will keep track of your distance, your pace and how long you ran.  (in my case, I mostly walk.  Unless I am running towards ice cream, than I am ALL OVER IT.)  The device is genius.  My sister has the same device and one bright, sunny day she challenged me through the Nike website.  I was all like it's on.  bring it. But I didn't bring it.  And neither did she.  But it was fun while it lasted.

Here's a visual I made for you to better explain how it works:

Then I got pregnant.

Then this past February I went to turn on my iPod to listen to some Snoop Dogg (fo' shizzle) and my iPod just sat there and never turned on.  It was dead.  So, after much investigating I bought the ridiculously sleek, the ridiculously expensive iTouch - it's awesome.  It's one thing to listen to Snoop whenever I please, it's another to be able to watch his videos whenever I please.  However, I lost my excitement for the iTouch just two days after I purchased it because it was then that I lost James and Jake.   It sat in my purse with all of my crumpled kleenex and old Coldstone receipts. So, this Saturday I broke out my sleek and expensive iTouch and my Nike Plus sensor, I plugged the sensor into my iTouch and guess what? The Nike device is not compatible with the iTouch.  Which is crazy for about 1000 reasons, but mostly because I paid sixty bajillion dollars for a damn mp3 players made by the same maker (APPLE!) that makes the less expensive Nano, but the most expensive version is not compatible with the Nike device made just for Apple mp3 players?? 

But I NEEEEEEEEEEDED this device because it's soooooooooo motivating.  I mean, how in the world would I know how long I was walking?  A stopwatch?  A pedometer? 

How prehistoric of you.

So, Saturday night, Brian, the kids and I traveled to Target and it just so happens the 4 gig nano was on sale.  Brian bought it.  Apparently he's not a big fan of the belly hanging over the jeans look.  whatever.

Then, Saturday night I challenged my sister Sarah to a challenge, the challenge is "who can walk the most miles in 30 days."  And I was all like IT'S ON!  BRING IT! and she was all like dammit.

(OH MY GOD - THIS IS THE LONGEST STORY EVER.)

On Sunday I was all yoga panted and sports bra'd up when I plugged in my Nike device to my new iPod and the Nike device was dead.  I was totally pissed.  Which means I had to buy new Nike sensors, because there is no battery replacing in these things.  I'm spending all of this money on exercising, how in the hell was I going to afford all of my ice cream?

Priorities.

I hopped in my minivan and drove to Target, bought the device, came home, walked and downloaded my walk stats by plugging in my new nano into my computer.  My sister walked, too.  Then the next day, she walked before work, which is way more dedicated then me, if I had to walk in the morning, I would be like SURPRISE!  YOU WON!!   But we have been neck and neck each day.  It's awesome because I'm going to win (yes I am) and it's awesome because we are totally exercising, you know, like the amount recommended by doctors and stuff.  Just last week I was sitting in my doctor's office watching some WebMd show and they were saying something crazy like "it is recommended that you exercise for 30 minutes, five times a week."  Which is totally ludicrous if you ask me, but you know, I'm not a doctor.  I'm just lazy.

Until now.  Now I'm going to walk EVERYDAY for many hours a day because I must win.  and now my other sister is in on the challenge and my mother and soon you will be able to see our progress on my sidebar.  Aren't you excited? 

I am. 

It's on.  Bring it.

Unless I lose, then we'll just pretend I never mentioned anything.

Whoa. Nelly.

I have a secret, do you promise not to tell? 

Girl Scout's honor?

I ate an entire sleeve of thin mints today. 

Well, not an entire one, I gave two of the cookies to my children because they were all at my feet while my head was in my cabinet, while I was trying to SECRETLY shove the cookies into my mouth.  I would nonchalantly return to the cabinet, oh, about every 2 minutes to shove yet another thin mint into my mouth.  By about the fourth trip, the children caught on, or they could smell it on my breath and on my fingers and they began to ask me for a treat.

I gave in and gave them one.

I haven't eaten an entire sleeve of thin mints since I was 8 months pregnant with Ariel,  and that particular sleeve I ate it in about 35 minutes, while sitting alone in my office at nine in the morning.  It was divine.  Until my boss walked in and asked me for a thin mint.  I was like "what thin mints?"  He replied "the sleeve I just saw you walk in with like ten minutes ago....wait a minute...did you eat them all?"  It was a great moment for all pregnant woman across America.    

Of course, then I was eight months pregnant  Now?  Not so much.  In my defense, it did take me over eight hours to eat that sleeve today, but still.  An entire sleeve???

But I promise, I'm going to curb my girl scout cookie eating starting tonight.  No more girl scout cookies for me.  I will resist the urge to have ANYMORE COOKIES.  I am empowered.

Plus, they are all gone.  Should be easy. 

And the candy from Halloween?  Gone, taken care of.

By yours truly.

It's been a busy week taking care of all that junk food. 

Which leads me to my point.  I gained a pound this week.  Of course, that was before the Great Thin Mint Incident of 2007, so I'm not off to a great start for next week, but seeing has how the junk is all gone, I can now move on to bigger and better things. 

Like nachos.

To see how others are doing, just go here.

What my scale says...

First of all, if you are wanting to lose weight and are in need of inspiration, I BEG you to visit Jan, yesterday she hit her ONE HUNDRED POUND lost mark, WOW!  Whether you are wanting to lose weight or not, please visit her blog and give her a huge congratulations, she deserves every single comment she receives!  Can you imagine?  100 POUNDS!

For me, I'm down one whole pound and two ounces.  I am now 161.2.

Now let's see if next week's weight will be the same or lower.  I only have a few challenges to work through:
-Thursday - Halloween Candy
-Friday - Bunco
-Saturday - Some light travel (which will includes some tasty coffee for sure) and lunch with a wonderful  friend
-Sunday - Kids birthday party at a bowling alley.  (hello?!  NACHOS!!)
-Monday - Halloween Candy
-Tuesday - no challenge, because I have eaten all of the candy.

Wish me luck.
For more results, go here. 

What my scale says...

I have not gained or lost, I am the exact same weight as last week.  162.4, which is pretty good considering the thyroid roller coaster I have been on.

That and the pizza.

and the Taco Bell.

and the homemade toffee cookies.

Pretty good, I say.  Maybe next week I'll eliminate the CRAP and see a loss.

For more weight loss tales, visit my other blog!

Go here to enter my Dunkin' Donuts coffee giveaway!

My Weight

This past Saturday, I had a Life Challenge ahead of me.  I was going out of town, where there is lots of food.  It's one of those things, where you can choose to completely let loose or you can have control, make good decisions, still indulge, and most importantly, don't eat when you are not hungry.

I made the good decision.  I still ate pizza and soft pretzels, big chocolate muffins and biscuits and gravy, I just didn't eat too much of it.  I left food on my plate, I split meals with my sister.  And in return?  I only gained .2 ounces.

I'm pleased.

And pretty proud of myself, too.

For more Look Great in 2008 Challenge results, go here.

What?!?!

This morning I stepped on my scale, cause you know, it's Wednesday and that's what I do on Wednesdays.

Oh, who am I kidding? - I step on the scale EVERY morning, I think it's one of the key factors in my success of keeping my over thirty pound weight loss pretty steady.

BUT, this week was different.

Last week it said 163.8
The week before it said 163.8
And the week before that it said 163.8

This week said 162.2

Must have been the guacamole.