Adam: Beth, it’s starting to get serious here. Four finalists. Four judges. Four hours of introductory videos and Ryan Seacrest talking. Are you ready for this quadruple craziness?
I’m so excited for this show that I drank four times as much alcohol just to get me through.
Adam: Amber is starting us off with The Power of Love, which wasn’t slow and dramatic enough when Celine Dion originally sang it, apparently. Vocally, it was pretty great. But I hope I never have to listen to it again.
And Keith Urban sounds like the fifth Wiggle.
I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m going to listen to it four more times. Not because it was so great but because I keep falling asleep. (also, notice the number four appearing. AGAIN.)
How can I not say anything about Candice’s earrings? They are BY FAR the largest things I’ve ever seen in my life. Notice I did not say the largest earrings. THE LARGEST THINGS EVER. She’s performing a song I’ve never heard before which is fine except it wasn’t super catchy to me. She sounded good but this performance was nothing special.
Adam: Candice appears to have discovered what I didn’t know: that the hottest thing in America right now is smooth jazz. I’m so excited to know this now.
Kree is about to sing “It Hurts So Bad,” and I really hope that’s not supposed to be some kind of warning to my ears. I also have to mention Kree totally missed the memo about the giant, scene-stealing earrings, instead opting for leather pants. Um. I’m not sure that was wise. Oh, and she sang. I didn’t really feel it.
I agree with you. Boring. Red shirt. Black pants. Regular-sized earrings. Blah performance. Now we have to suffer through Mariah speaking. This is the worst night ever.
Angie’s performance…hmmm…I was all excited to talk about All the Teeth but then her performance confused me. I kinda really liked it and I sorta hated it. I don’t know, Adam. You tell me what I thought about that performance. I’m begging you.
Adam: I’ll tell you, Beth . . .
Wait for it . . .
Angie is Colton Dixon. That is why we hate that shit.
While the duets are going on, I just want to say that the three non-Randy judges have a remarkable knack for taking turns making love to the camera. It’s obscene. And hilarious. They’re such attention whores. Randy’s too cool for that scene. That’s all.
Speaking of Randy being cool, he looks very Arthur Fonzarelli tonight with his low cut shirt. I think I saw a chest hair. Yes, just one.
Adam: Oh, Amber. No. I can’t talk to you. Beth? Can you do me a favor? If one of the judges calls this performance “current,” will you use some weapon to kill me right now? Something current, like a mace, an arrowhead, or a catapult? Dear lord, why am I not dead already?
Oh, crap. Randy said she was current, I have to go grab my arrowhead. It was nice knowing you, Adam. That performance was not enjoyable for me at all. Especially her shoesbootssandals.
So, Candice is singing Emotion. First, well, forget it, I can’t be clever. She sounded good but again, I wasn’t blown away. Not even an inch away.
Adam: It sucked. It shouldn’t have happened in nineteen-seventy-never, and it shouldn’t have happened today. Oh, and you know that thing where you watch a DVD and forget to press the stop button and there’s some awful sound at the end of the credits? Mariah talking is that. The cue that I forgot to press the skip button.
Kree is singing A Tireder Shade of Bored. Even her diamond shoes were boring. Blah. It was so blah. When was this song a hit? What was wrong with you when this song qualified as a hit, America? I give up. I have no hope for this season.
Oh man. This song hurt my head and probably my ears. I’m sad because I like Kree but she was so disappointing and just so just top 10 this week, not final four.
Angie is singing Cry Me a River. Adam, there has been a LOT of (p)leather on this show tonight. And also tears. Mine. And yours. Tonight’s show was not good. I’m wondering if anyone will agree with us tonight? Or are we just grouchy old men who should be in bed by 7pm?
Adam: No, we’re not grouchy old men. If we were grouchy old men, we may have looked up with glee from our shuffleboard match at the dulcet tones of OLD FART NIGHT.
That’s all for tonight. Join us next week when we take a shot of tequila for every time someone wears large earrings, wears pleather and #INITTOWINIT appears on the screen.
Who’s going home?